When Rue came to see me, she was newly married and experiencing signs of trauma, especially when she went to church. Her situation posed a problem not only because it hampered her spiritual life but also because her husband was a pastor. It was hard to explain to the congregation that his wife couldn’t attend church on Sundays because listening to someone read from Scripture or talk about God gave her a panic attack.
Rue’s body was speaking loudly to her, despite her best efforts to silence it. As I got to know Rue’s story, I discovered how prayer, the Bible, and even church attendance had been turned into weapons and used against her.
As we unpacked her story, Rue explained that her father would have extreme outbursts of anger, followed by weeks of silence when he would close himself off from the family. He tended to blame his roller-coaster emotions on her. One night, when Rue was fourteen, she came home a few minutes late for dinner after a coach had kept her team late. In a fit of anger, Rue’s father screamed at Rue in front of her mother and siblings before storming out of the house. Rue felt awful, apologizing over and over, begging her father for forgiveness.'
The next day, instead of apologizing for his behavior, Rue’s dad, along with the support of Rue’s mother, sat her down and explained why her actions were causing his angry outbursts. He asked her to memorize Scripture verses related to disobedient children. She needed to be careful never to break a rule in order to become an obedient daughter. He then prayed for her heart to change. According to him, any time he lashed out in anger, it was because Rue had dishonored God
Spiritual Trauma
Spiritual wounds can cut to the core of who you are. They wound you in the most sacred, vulnerable place inside, causing you to question your inherent worth as a beloved child of God. They can also cause you to question God altogether.
Your parents or early caregivers provided your first glimpse of connectedness and safety when you were young. If they loved you well, you caught a glimpse of what God is like. If they abused, neglected, or harmed you, it created a spiritual wound, often damaging your perception of God.
Why is this type of spiritual wound so awful? There are two primary reasons:
1. You are being shamed and hurt, which is hard enough.
2. You are being shamed and hurt by someone who claims the authority of the most powerful being in the universe.
It’s compounded trauma—trauma upon trauma. All trauma causes you to question your worth. But spiritual trauma adds the terrorizing layer that God might question your worth too. That is incredibly wrong.
Please hear me say: it’s not your fault.
Steps to Heal from Spiritual Wounds
If you’re struggling with the pain of a spiritual wound, you’re not alone. If someone misrepresented God to you through toxic actions or words, you are in the center of God’s love and God’s justice. God hates injustice with you. You can start the healing process by taking these steps
Step 1. Name spiritual Harm as a trauma
Religious trauma is not often discussed, but it’s incredibly important to name. When a parent or authority figure abuses his or her power in the name of God, it has terrible effects:
- Toxic shame, self-denial and self-hatred
- Feelings of anger, confusion, and bitterness toward God
- Fear of God's punishment or wrath
- Anxiety or disassociation when it comes to spiritual practices
These feelings are responses embedded deep within your nervous system. You can’t simply will them away. Such trauma responses require your compassionate attention, a loving witness, and a healing process. Once you understand that you are dealing with
a conditioned trauma response, you can set out on a path toward healing.
Step 2. Get curious about what you feel
The experience of wanting to participate in faith practices but feeling anxious or guarded is important to notice. The solution isn’t to muscle your way through the disparity. Nor is it to beat yourself up. Instead, get curious about what you notice in your body and soul. Hurting parts of you are giving you valuable information about ways you were harmed in the past.
This inner tension is the beckoning voice of a wound in need of healing. There’s a story inside you in need of a loving witness.
Extend compassion toward these parts of you that feel skeptical, fearful, and guarded. They’re protecting you from the ways other people have misconstrued what God represents. Those feelings deserve your appreciation. God honors those parts of you too.
Step 3. Rebuild your sense of safety
When your spiritual practices or church experiences begin to trigger anxiety, it’s essential to be tender with the part of you that feels confused or abandoned by God. Just as Jesus stepped away from religious crowds to connect with God and a few trusted friends, you may need to step away to heal.
That might mean pausing formal church attendance, exploring a different kind of service, meeting regularly with a therapist, or gathering with a small circle of safe, supportive people. This isn’t weakness—it’s a brave act of reestablishing safety. As you rebuild that sense of safety within, you’ll become more attuned to where you feel truly seen, known, and secure with others.
Because here's the thing: When you catch a glimpse of safety—no matter where you find it—you catch a glimpse of what God is really like.
This blog post is adapted from The Best of You: Break Free From Painful Patterns, Mend Your Past, and Discover Your True Self in God
