A Surprising Way to Break Free From Self-Criticism & Comparing Yourself to Others
Episode Notes
Do you feel like others are doing better than you? Do you struggle with an inner critic? Do you see the strengths in others, but struggle to see them in yourself?
This episode will empower you. I've personally seen the harm that negative comparison can do, and I'm passionate about helping you escape its trap. You'll uncover a surprising way to tackle comparison, along with simple steps to follow when it arises. Most importantly, you'll learn how to focus your attention on what matters most. Listen to this episode whenever you catch yourself in self-criticism.
Here's what we cover:
-The only time comparison is healthy
-Two types of negative comparison
-A powerful metaphor from the Bible
-The surprising antidote to comparison
-4 simple steps to transform you outlook
-1 powerful question to ask yourself each day
Resources
- Galatians 6:4-5
- The Best of You by Dr. Alison Cook
- Amos 7:8
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Music by Andy Luiten
Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik
While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.
Transcript
Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You Podcast. I am so glad you're here this week as we are talking about happiness. What does it mean to get just a little bit happier? We're not talking about instant gratification. We're not talking about even a fleeting feeling.
As we talked about in episode 84, that dopamine hit of a momentary pleasure doesn't actually lead us to deep-seated contentment and even that feeling of lightness and ease that we associate with this word happiness.
We're talking about something deeper: how we put ourselves on the path toward increasing degrees of happiness in our life. One of the things I have found that distracts us from true, deep-down abiding joy, deep contentment, deep satisfaction in our own lives is comparison.
We constantly compare our lives to the lives of others. We look at the lives of other people and we tend to compare our lives to theirs, and inevitably we tend to see ourselves negatively in comparison to someone else.
When we get stuck in this rut of comparison, we descend into feelings of negativity, resentment, and self doubt. We start beating ourselves up in comparison to others instead of focusing on becoming more of our God-given selves.
So in today's episode, I want to talk through what comparison is, what I think the antidote to comparison is, and at the end, I want to walk you through an exercise that you can do when you feel that downward spiral of starting to compare yourself to another person.
So what is comparison? When we talk about comparison, we're actually talking about what psychologists call social comparison. It's when we compare ourselves socially to other people. The truth is, it's not all bad. There are positive forms of social comparison, and there are negative forms of social comparison.
It's important to understand the difference. As human beings, it's actually normal to gauge our own success, our own progress, or even our own skills against those of other people. This is really natural. We start doing it early on in life. Again, it's not all bad. This propensity to social comparison, to compare ourselves to other people can be both constructive and destructive.
There are two sides to this coin.
Comparing yourself to someone else can lead to growth when it's motivating or when you aspire to a quality that someone else has that you didn't realize might even be a possibility for you. So you might see a quality in someone you care about, a friend or a spouse or even a colleague that really inspires you.
You see this quality that someone else has and you're like, I want to have more of that. It doesn't make you feel worse about yourself. It inspires you to want to be better. So in that case, comparison can actually be healthy.
On the other hand, often when we compare ourselves to others, especially when we perceive ourselves to be less than, we perceive ourselves to be less successful or inferior or not as good, as if they're better than me, in those cases, comparison has a negative impact on our psyche.
It doesn't motivate us to want to be better. In fact, it keeps us stuck and in a downward spiral. So comparison, again, is simply looking to the lives of other people to gauge the progress or success of your own life, or even the skills or the gifts or the talents that you have.
I want you as you're listening to think of examples that are both positive and negative in your own life. Who is someone that you look to and you see a quality, or maybe you even see where they may be ahead of you on the road toward growth, and it actually inspires you?
It helps you want to improve a specific skill or it motivates you to want to keep going. I want you to name that example, whether mentally or write it down as you're listening, because that's really important to notice that there are positive instances of comparison where someone inspires you to want to be an even better version of yourself.
As you notice that, I believe that's an invitation from God. That's a cue that the Holy Spirit is at work because the Holy Spirit doesn't prompt us through shaming, negativity, and criticism. The Holy Spirit works through gentle tapping on your shoulder and showing you, hey, that might be possible for you. I want to invite you into more of that.
So when you notice that someone is inspiring you or motivating you or unlocking a desire within you, that's a cue that God is pointing you to something aspirational as an invitation. It's bearing positive fruit versus the negativity that comes with negative comparison.
Now, I want you to think about a situation where you compare yourself to someone else and it evokes negativity, a downward spiral, maybe of self-criticism, of shame, of feeling less than.
Notice that situation. Not to judge or blame but to just notice that situation where comparison triggers a downward spiral inside of you, where you just notice those feelings of less than, self-shame, and self-criticism that don't lead you to take brave steps to improve or to grow in your own life, but instead just lead you into a spiral.
Noticing that difference is a really important step in and of itself, allowing you to move toward those people who inspire growth and noticing those situations that lead you to a downward spiral.
I want to add a note here about social media, because one of the things social media has introduced into our lives is the ability to constantly compare ourselves to others. We have instant access to seeing what's going on in other people's lives that without social media, we might not even know.
We might not even have that image in front of us. Think about this in your day to day lives, but also think about this in social media. Research has shown that the addition of social media to our daily lives has primarily increased the negative effects of social comparison.
Social media, instead of promoting the positive benefits that motivate us or inspire us or lead us to growth, tends to exacerbate the negative aspects of social comparison. So think about that question in your own life, but also think about that as it relates to the people you follow on social media.
You want to be particularly mindful that you're muting those people that tend to promote the negative social comparison in your life. For this next section, I want to talk with you about this unhealthy comparison that so many of us are so acquainted with.
I can feel that downward spiral in my body. I know it so well now when I head down that trail of negative comparison with someone else where the self doubt and the shame and the self criticism just keep piling on and I know it's not going anywhere good. What do we do to keep ourselves from going down that downward spiral? How do we keep ourselves on the path?
I want to anchor this discussion in what I think is the antidote to comparison, which is healthy confidence. The best scripture to anchor ourselves on for this discussion is Galatians 6, 4 through 5. Each one should test their own actions, then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.
So in this scripture, Paul is talking about the idea that we should be able to take pride in ourselves. There is such a thing as satisfaction in our own work, in who we are, in who God made us to be. That's the goal. That's the antidote to comparison. It doesn't really work to just beat yourself up for comparing yourself to other people. What works is to shift your focus away from comparison toward a healthy sense of pride in your God given self.
It's not just that we're moving away from comparison. It's that we're moving toward healthy confidence, a healthy sense of deep-down satisfaction in the person God made me uniquely to be in this life, in this world, in my relationships. That's the goal. That's putting ourselves on the path toward happiness.
We're moving towards something. We're not just moving away from negative comparison. We're moving toward something beautiful, something God wants for us to have. So I want you to get a sense of that as I'm talking right now. I want you to feel that in your bones.
What would it be like to feel proud of who you are, to feel proud of the person God made you to be? Now, that doesn't mean you don't see the areas where you still need to grow, where you're still struggling. Of course, we see those things. But the goal is to move toward, man, I may not be where I want to be yet, but I'm on the path.
I can see a glimpse of that person that God sees in me. I want to move toward that person. I want to move toward that because God calls me and invites me and woos me from a place of deep love for all of who I am. God doesn't motivate me or inspire me from a place of shame. I want to keep that in front of me as I move away from unhealthy comparison.
With that picture in front of us, here's the problem with unhealthy comparison. We are keeping our view horizontal. If you imagine yourself on this path toward becoming the best version of yourself, the truest, most beautiful version of that person God wants you to become–where you're bringing goodness into the lives of other people, where you are well aware of the landmines and the pitfalls of toxicity and steering yourself around them, where you're confident and you're clear you're delighting in the ways you are using your good gifts, you are measuring yourself vertically to the God who made you.
Your eyes are primarily focused on the prize ahead of you, which is your true self in God. Your eyes are not focused primarily horizontally on other people who are on a different path. The problem with comparison when it gets negative is we're focusing too much on everybody else all around us. We lose focus and we start looking with longing or with envy or with self-criticism at other people who are on different paths that God never called us to be on.
Here are some signs, some messages in your mind when you're focused too much horizontally. You might have a voice in your head that is laced with inferiority, envy, or self-doubt.
Man, she never gets angry with her kids. I am such a lousy mom. Or, she has so many friends, everybody loves her. I'm not worthy of that kind of love. Or, that couple just has it all together. My relationship will never be like theirs. You can hear the self-defeat in that tone. You're not feeling inspired or motivated.
You're just on a trail down the path of self-sabotage and self-doubt and self-criticism. Your eyes are focused on other people instead of on the next step you need to take to move forward on the path of your one beautiful and precious life.
Comparison can also show up in another way. That's a little more insidious. You're still focusing too much horizontally, but you might be building yourself up in comparison to other people. Maybe you're noticing with a little bit of pride or a little bit of arrogance, or even a little bit of judgment or self-righteousness.
Man, I am doing so much better than they are. Their kids are a mess. At least I'm doing better than they are. Or, at least I don't get angry like he does. There's just a little bit of false pride in that kind of self-talk. You're still comparing yourself to someone else. Your ego is involved just a little bit, right?
Well, at least I'm better than they are, which isn't actually that healthy confidence that Paul is talking about. There's still a little bit of false self in that well. I don't feel great about myself, but at least I'm better than they are, right? There's still a little bit of ego in that. Again, there's no shame in this. It's important to notice you're still looking horizontally, you're still determining your own value, your own worth, your own success by primarily comparing yourself to someone else.
Both extremes are problematic. When you criticize yourself, you move down that path of self-shaming, which is never productive. But when you criticize other people to build yourself up, you move down the path of false pride, or even a little bit of judgment, which is also not productive.
Neither of those extremes reflects that healthy confidence, that God-given confidence without comparing yourself to anyone else. Keeping your gaze horizontal rarely reflects healthy confidence, what I define as a humble, honest awareness of your own strengths, of your own weaknesses, of your own growth curves, and even have some of your own limitations.
You're looking at the true pieces of your own path. Honestly, here's where I'm doing okay. Here's where it's hard. Here's where I'm struggling. You're naming those things without shame before God and with a few trusted advisors, you're aware of where you're still growing. You're aware of where you're doing okay. You're on your own path, moving toward living out your God-given purpose, one brave step at a time.
If you notice that you compare yourself to others frequently in the ways that I just described, I want you to start paying attention. This is a part of you that is looking to others, looking horizontally to set your standard, instead of who is the person God wants me to be? What is the calling God has set before me? Where does God want me to grow? Who are the people that invite me into that calling into that growth in a healthy, positive way?
Now, listen, I've talked about this before in other places, but I want to share this with you here because I think this is a trap that many of us fall in. I have struggled with comparison for a lot of years without realizing that's what it was. I write about this in The Best of You, but for me, there's a part of me that genuinely wants to see the good in others.
I really observe and want to name the good I see in others. I love to hold up that mirror to reflect the good qualities I see in other people. That's a really good quality. I'm proud of that quality. I think it's something that I'm good at, but there's a flip side to that quality that has also tripped me up at times where I can do that at the expense of myself. I can be so good at seeing the good in others that I can forget to allow God to simultaneously point out the good that he sees in me.
I can dish out the compliments, but it could be hard for me to see those same things in myself. I know that a lot of you listening find yourself in that same category. You are so willing to point out the good you see in those around you. It's really hard for you to allow that mirror to shine on you so that you can begin to see the beauty that God sees in you and that God wants to put his finger on and say, I love this about you. I want more of that. I want you to grow that quality.
It can be hard to cultivate that ability of allowing our good qualities to be reflected back to us by God and by other people. So what's the solution? How do we move toward that healthy confidence, that healthy ability to both see the good in others and also celebrate the good we see in ourselves?
If there's nothing else you take away from this episode today, I want you to hear me say it is a holy, sacred work to learn to celebrate the good you see in yourself. How do we get there?
Well, the solution is to shift your gaze from the horizontal to the vertical, to God, who is the one who truly sets your standard. There's a metaphor that I love to illustrate this shift from the horizontal to the vertical. It's the metaphor of a plumb line. Now a plumb line is a weighted vertical line that extends directly toward the center of gravity. It was used in construction to determine vertical alignment.
So if you think about it, it's like if you held up a string or a cord, something that wouldn't necessarily straighten out. But it has a weight on it at the bottom, that keeps that line moving always toward the center of gravity. So whenever it's suspended from a fixed point, that tool is going to use gravity to stay aligned perfectly in a vertical line.
One of the most notable places where this idea of a plumb line is used metaphorically is in the book of Amos. God's people in this book were so focused on gaining material success. In many ways they were focused on this frantic hustle to be better than their neighbors. They were trying to get richer and get bigger houses and a lot of material success. As a result of that, they were taking advantage of other people, in particular, the sick, the poor, and the vulnerable to try to get ahead.
Honestly, we see some of this in our culture today, right? Where we're so fixated on trying to be better than so and so that we're missing out on the more important calling that God has for our lives. In Amos, this is chapter seven verse eight, in a vivid gesture, God holds up a plumb line to show his people how far they have strayed from the center. They're so busy trying to be better than everybody around them, they're missing the true North, the actual goal, which is to follow God and to be made in God's likeness.
I find that metaphor so anchoring in my own life when I sense myself starting to veer toward looking to the right, and looking to the left, and taking inventory of what everybody else is doing, what everybody else has got going for them,
When I start to notice that, what I do is I feel deep down in the core of my stomach, that plumb line. I try to imagine that weighted line of gravity and I literally move my eyes upward to remind myself, God, I want to align with you. I want to do what you want. I want to know what you want. That image just sort of pulls me up.
I feel the weight of that plumb line pulling me up out of that horizontal gaze and shifting my attention vertically to God. I take a deep breath and reorient myself to God. The truth is when my gaze is horizontal and I'm comparing myself to everybody around me, it's about me. Even when I'm beating myself up, I wish I was better at this. I wish I had more of that. I wish I was more like them. It's ultimately about me.
I don't want to shame myself for that. I don't want you to shame yourself for that because shame never helps. But just that simple gesture of going, oh, wait a minute, God, what do you want? What are the next steps you want me to take? That shifts me up out of that mess and into the clarity and perspective of God's view.
Here's the paradox. When I focus my gaze vertically and look to God to set my standard and to give me my next steps, that's when I begin to understand how beloved I am. It's such a paradox when I'm staring at everybody else around me, it's both all about me and I feel terrible about myself.
But when I look to God to set my standard and to direct my next steps, I get clearer and braver in my calling and I feel a sense of my own belovedness and how cherished I am by God and how important my next steps actually are. Because that's the thing. Comparison keeps you from living out the life God designed you to live.
No matter what obstacles you are facing in that life right now, God will give you what you need to brave those obstacles that you face; he will lead you through the challenges and into a better place, but you have to keep your eyes on him. Keeping your gaze on everybody else and wanting what they have will not help you find your way through.
As we close today, I want to summarize three steps for you to take if you struggle with negative comparison with others. Number one, the first step is to notice and name it. When you notice that self-talk in your mind, oh, they've got it so much better than I do, or she's doing it so much better than I am. Name that. That's comparison.
Often at the root of comparison is an inner critic. It's just a part of you that tends to constantly point out how other people are doing it better than you are. These inner critics are trying to help. They think that by shaming us or criticizing us or beating us up, that they can get us to do better, but it doesn't help. So the trick to working with an inner critic is to notice it and name it.
I'm comparing myself to that other person. That's my inner critic. Don't shame yourself. Shame never helps. What does help is to set a healthy boundary with that inner critic, which requires you to notice it. Noticing and naming is a brave step in and of itself.
When you name that inner critic for what it is, you reconnect to your true self, to your Spirit-led self. You shift from beating yourself up to calming your nervous system, and to breathing in the love God has for you.
Number two, I want you to shift your gaze. You might even try doing this literally, shift your head upward, as a gesture of looking to God, and use that comma God technique that I taught you back in episode 81, where when you notice something hard, add a comma God to it. Turn it into a prayer. I'm comparing myself, God. Help me look to you. You shift your whole focus up to God just to get yourself out of that horizontal gaze.
Number three, I want you to be honest with God. This is really important. I don't want you to gaslight yourself. What I mean by that is, I don't want you to pretend like you don't feel what you really feel. Something triggered that comparison. Something might be hard in your own life, and there's a reason you're tempted to look at everybody else and think they have it better than they do.
Even as you're reorienting to God, I want you to still be honest about what you feel. So you might say, God, this is hard. I don't like my situation. I don't like the way I feel, or I'm struggling in my finances, or I'm struggling in this relationship, or I'm struggling in my parenting.
It's hard. There's a reason that I'm tempted to compare my situation to someone else's, right? So this third step is really important. You're being honest. You're not just bypassing or gaslighting yourself for the way that you feel. You're naming that you don't want to compare yourself to someone else. You're turning your attention to God instead of to that horizontal focus.
But you're also being honest with God. This is hard. I'm struggling here. That's what's really going on. This isn't about that other person at all. God, this is about the fact that I'm struggling with this thing and I don't know what to do.
Now, listen to what's happened as you take those three steps and you do the work. Suddenly you're in a position to actually do something, to face your own challenge instead of comparing yourself to someone else and going down a rabbit trail of self shame and self blame. Instead, you're facing what's hard.
Honestly, you're saying, God, this is hard. I don't know what to do. It's tempting for me right now to just beat myself up in comparison to other people, but that's not actually helpful. You move into the fourth thing I want you to do, which is to identify one brave step you can take to confront the actual challenge that lies in front of you.
Comparison is a dead end. It will not get you to where you want to go. But when you face what's hard, honestly, in partnership with God, you actually start to see the path ahead of you. Instead of trying to bypass that obstacle or beat yourself up or sit helplessly, you identify that yes, there's an obstacle on your path. Something is hard. Something is bothering you.
But you want to be on that path toward confidence, toward calling. It means you've got to face this thing that's hard in front of you. You've got to find your way through it. Here are some examples of brave steps you can take that'll move you through that obstacle instead of sabotaging yourself.
Number one, you might seek input from a trusted friend. You might go to someone and say, I am struggling with this thing. I'm really beating myself up. Especially when I look at other people in this area, can you come alongside me and help me face what's hard?
Ask others for help. Number two, you might identify one step that you can take to improve some aspect of your life. Instead of comparing yourself to someone else, you might say, what do I have control over? There's some things I don't have control over, but there are some things I do have control over. What is that one thing I can control?
This is such a powerful reframe to do when you're feeling stuck or lost in any way–what do I have control over? What's one step I can take? You might make a call or send an email or read a book or even take a class; do something proactively improving that area of your life.
Another brave step you might take is to ask someone in your life, what good qualities do you see in me? I'm struggling right now to see those good qualities in myself. You might even say, you know, it feels awkward for me to ask you this, but I could really use your help. Could you tell me the ways that you see me growing or changing or moving toward becoming just a little bit more toward this person I want to become? I really could use your encouragement.
I mean, what a brave step. Ask someone to give you that encouragement, that naming of the good they see in you, that we all need to hear from other people from time to time.
Finally, you might practice gratitude. When I say that, I want to be clear. I'm not encouraging you to bypass what's hard. This is where I want you to practice something I call “two things can be true”. While my finances are really hard, what's also true is I am so grateful for my family. Or while this relationship is really a mess right now, I am so grateful for the good work that I have. Or, while I'm floundering as a parent right now, I am so grateful for these friends that I have.
So again, number one, notice and name it when you start down that comparison path.
Number two, shift your gaze vertically. Visualize that plumb line and shift your gaze vertically to the one who made you.
Number three, name what's hard, honestly, that's underneath that comparison. This is hard. God, there's a reason I'm tempted to beat myself up in comparison to others.
Then number four, identify a brave step you can take that both honors the reality of what's hard, but helps you engage what you do have control over.
When it comes to comparison, as you simultaneously honor what's hard while taking brave steps to face the challenges that lie ahead of you, you give yourself the gift of agency. You take control of what you can and you release the rest to God and you begin to create a life that's purposeful, a life that's satisfying, a life that helps you become the best version of yourself in God.