Caring for Everyone but Yourself? 3 Strategies for Managing Overwhelm and Emotional Stress in the Sandwich Generation
Episode Notes
Do you feel like you’re constantly caring for others, whether it’s aging parents, your kids, or even your career—and there’s little time left for you?
Women in the sandwich generation, particularly those aged 35-54, report higher stress levels than any other age group. If you’re juggling a heavy load of responsibilities as you care for others, you’re not alone. In this episode, you’ll gain practical tools to help you navigate this season with compassion and healthy boundaries, empowering you with the support and nourishment you need.
Here's what we cover:
* Why caring for others can stir up unresolved emotions and how to address them
* 3 key strategies to help you through stressful seasons
* The antidote for constant guilt
* How to set boundaries that protect your emotional well-being
* Practical ways to invite God into your daily routine
Resources:
- I Shouldn’t Feel This Way by Dr. Alison Cook
- PDF Questions for Reflection: 5 Steps to Calm Overwhelming Emotions
- The Best of You by Dr. Alison Cook
If you liked this, you’ll love:
- Episode 6: Do I Really Have an Inner Child? What It Means to Reparent Yourself
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Music by Andy Luiten/Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik
© 2024 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage without permission from the author. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.
Transcript:
Alison: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You Podcast. I'm so glad you're here this week as we dive into a brand new topic. It's a topic we've never covered before on the podcast, but whenever I survey you or ask you what topics you'd like me to cover, this one today comes up.
The first way it comes up is simply taking care of aging parents. But then the second way it comes up is, how do I care for emotionally immature parents who neglected me, who weren't there for me when I was young? And now I have to take care of them.
This topic of caring for our own parents as they age also comes up in the context of, “I'm still raising my own kids”. I'm still trying to figure out how to launch my own kids, let alone heal myself, let alone care for my own parents.
Now there's a term for this. The term is “sandwich generation". This refers to adults who are simultaneously caring for their aging parents while supporting their own children. This could include young children, teenage children, or even young adult children. The point is, you're in a dual caregiving role.
You're sandwiched between two different generations who have a lot of needs and these needs are very different. The needs of your aging parents or your in-laws are very different from the needs of your children, whom you're trying to launch. Being a part of this sandwich generation presents a lot of really unique stressors as you can feel stuck between all the needs around you.
Some of you listening are still raising young kids. Maybe you're managing the morning chaos of packing lunches for your six year old or helping your nine year old finish a last minute school project. There's a lot of hands-on needs.
Meanwhile, you're also beginning to coordinate doctor's appointments, maybe for your mom or for your dad. Maybe they're starting to show signs of memory loss, or they have a condition that's developing. They might need your attention or your support, or they might need help with groceries or bills or getting health care insurance figured out.
Some of you listening might be launching young adult children. Maybe you've got a child who's off at college and while they're no longer under your roof, you're still very well aware that they're dealing with a lot of anxiety or a lot of social or academic stressors, and you're still very involved.
They still take up a lot of your mental capacity. Your parenting work is certainly not over once your kids go off to college. Maybe you even have kids who are out of college, who are working their first jobs, who are maybe getting engaged, maybe getting married, maybe starting to have children of their own.
Again, your work as a parent is still not finished. In fact, some of these major life decisions that our young adult children are making require even more of our mental bandwidth and emotional support, as they really need our help guiding them through some high-stakes decisions.
All the while, on the other side of it, you might have a parent or an in-law who's lost a spouse, and so they're dealing with a lot of new norms in their life. Maybe they're more lonely, there might be moves, there might be new financial issues that emerge as your parents age.
Some of you maybe don't have kids and yet you're still carrying the stress of figuring out, how am I going to care for my parents? I finally maybe got the life that I've wanted to have. And now I have to figure out how to take on their needs.
So no matter what your situation is, as you're listening, this sandwich generation, where you're looking at needs, both of the next generation coming up behind you and the older generation, the one ahead of you, it stirs up a lot of complicated emotions.
Today, I want to follow the framework that I lay out in my book, I Shouldn’t Feel This Way, this framework for navigating complicated emotions. Number one, we're going to name what's hard.
Naming what's really happening, both inside of ourselves, the emotions that we're feeling, in addition to the realities of the new stressors in our lives, can really help validate the reality of what you're experiencing.
As interpersonal neurobiologist Dr. Dan Siegel says, when you name something, you can tame it. It literally stops the firing of the emotional circuitry in your brain, and it helps you tap into the ordering part of your brain.
So you've named it. You can see it. This is what's happening now. I know what it is. It allows that prefrontal cortex, that part of your brain that can start making meaning that can start creating order, to come online. You start to bring order out of chaos.
We're going to do some naming work, and then we're going to do some framing work. In particular, I want to help you create a way to reframe the demands and stressors and complexities of what it means to be in these caretaking roles.
Lastly, I'm going to give you three strategies so you can brave a path through honoring your own needs, where you can love and honor others without losing yourself.
The bottom line is that navigating the sandwich generation where you're caring for your aging parents while supporting your own children is a complex and emotional journey, but it's also an opportunity. It's an opportunity to create healthier patterns for yourself and for your own family.
I'm going to walk you through how to turn this really challenging season into an opportunity to go even deeper into this work of figuring out how to honor your own needs while providing meaningful care for others, all without losing yourself.
Number one, we're going to start by naming what's hard. So, first of all, let's talk about some of the unique challenges and stressors and emotions that being part of this sandwich generation can stir up inside of us.
The first one is guilt. Often, when we struggle with too many caretaking responsibilities, we start to beat ourselves up. Guilt can get really loud. You might start to notice messages like, what's wrong with me? Why can't I get it together? Why is this so hard when it doesn't seem like it's hard for anyone else? I'm not organized enough, I'm not giving enough, I'm too selfish, whatever the thing is.
Often when we have too many caretaking responsibilities, it can kick up a lot of guilt. I say this a lot, but I'm going to say it again. The presence of guilt does not always mean you've done something wrong. It might mean you're doing something brave, something uncomfortable, something hard.
Guilt is an emotion. It is not necessarily a direct message from God. When we're overwhelmed and we have too much on our plate and when there are more needs than would be humanly possible for us to meet, guilt often steps in like an old clingy friend. The truth is, guilt is often masking other more vulnerable emotions.
Guilt is so closely tied to grief. It's so closely tied to fear. It's so closely tied to helplessness. It comes up when what we're actually feeling is overwhelm and helplessness. This is so hard. We don't know how to face those more vulnerable feelings. Sometimes it's easier for a part of us to constantly berate and guilt trip ourselves.
It can feel easier in some ways to beat ourselves up, as if we could be doing better than we are, than to face the reality of those more vulnerable emotions, which is “this is hard, this is painful, I'm struggling, I'm scared, I’m lonely”. So often, those more vulnerable emotions are hiding underneath the constant guilt, especially when we're overwhelmed.
Secondly, you may notice more anxiety, a constant feeling of being unsettled, chaotic, not able to really find that calm, clear place inside, that deep breath where you can really exhale at some point during your day.
Maybe you notice that you have a hard time going to sleep at night or your thoughts are racing. You're finding it hard to wind down and rest or relax or log off for a little bit. There's too much on your mind. Oftentimes, when you have a lot of these caretaking responsibilities, you'll see an uptick in some of that anxiety.
You might notice more stress in your body. Maybe you feel more agitated, like you're more inclined to go into that fight flight response. There's a good reason for that stress. The American Psychological Association notes that especially women who are part of the sandwich generation, particularly those who are aged 35 to 54, report significantly higher stress levels than any other age group.
This stress might be about managing time. How do I get everything done that I need to get done today? It might be the fatigue of managing complicated medical appointments, phone calls, attending school events for children, driving children, and also sometimes aging parents.
You might be worried about how to keep your own job while you're taking care of all the people who need you in your life. Oftentimes, there's a financial strain as caregivers face increased expenses related to health care, and their own kids' education. All of this can impact your own financial stability and your own retirement planning.
So there's a lot of added stress that can start to ratchet up the cortisol, where you're having a harder time finding rest, finding calm, finding those moments of deep exhale. And this can creep up on you. It doesn't happen overnight, but suddenly, and this gets to our last thing that you might notice–numbing.
You might start noticing that you've resorted to old patterns from the past. Maybe even patterns that you thought you'd kicked, patterns that you thought were well behind you, but suddenly maybe you notice yourself reaching for the extra glass of wine or reaching for the extra bag of cookies or binge watching Netflix more than you have been for a long time, or trying to drown out your own feelings in whatever way that you can.
You might notice those behaviors and then that leads you right back up to the guilt. You might feel guilty. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get it together?
But the reality is that the overwhelm that you're facing is real. It's not your fault. Something's happened that is hard. There's a lot on your plate. There are a lot of demands on your time. Of course, you're overwhelmed. Of course, you're trying to find quick ways to soothe yourself late at night.
Of course, you cannot bear to make one more phone call to a doctor on your to do list. Of course, you're getting short fused with your own kids or with your own parents. This is normal when we're overwhelmed. And beating yourself up and shaming yourself doesn't help. If there's nothing else you take away today from this episode, it's that you are not alone.
There are millions of other women in particular who are feeling the same way that you feel, and I wish we could all get together and sit around a table for a minute and share what's hard about caring for other people, the fatigue that we feel, the frustration, and even sometimes the grief.
It can feel like time is passing us by, and it can feel like we're on a hamster wheel instead of fully able to enjoy these seasons of our lives. If we were gathered together, we would probably cry out so many of our frustrations. And then I know without a doubt what we would do.
We would get busy figuring out how to help each other find a better way through. Since we can't all get together, I want to spend the next portion of this episode talking you through some practical strategies or ways that you can begin to find some peace out of all these crazy pieces of your life, to find some calm out of all the chaos.
I want to give you what I call a holy reframe. In I Shouldn’t Feel This Way, I walk you through how to create them. It's a way of examining all the complexity of what's hard and creating a bigger, more robust, understanding of the situation. And what I think is sometimes the most powerful way to reframe a hard situation is this reality that two things can be true.
This is incredibly hard. And, there's an invitation here for me, for my own healing and growth.
I'm frustrated with all the people who need me and I want to do right by them.
I need more space for myself and I want to show up for the people I love.
As you begin to honor the both-and, you create a bigger frame. You create more spaciousness inside your soul. I'm frustrated and I'm committed.
I'm scared I don't have what it takes, and I have confidence I can get through this.
I'm mad at myself and I see how hard I'm working
You slow yourself down and you start to make room for all of what's true about your situation. When we're dealing with so many legitimate needs all around us, it really becomes a crucible. If you think about that word crucible and what it means, I like to think of it in terms of pottery.
For those of you who are into pottery, you'll know what I mean. But when you create a carefully shaped item out of clay, maybe you create a beautiful mug, and it looks really cool and you've gotten it exactly how you want, the next thing you do is you take that creation and you put it in what's called a kiln.
That kiln exposes that object you've created to extreme heat. And that heat transforms the clay into something really strong and durable. When that mug comes out of the kiln and it's survived all that heat and that extreme pressure, it actually becomes more resilient, more durable.
It's ready for everyday use. You can use it every single day and it becomes something really precious. If you never put that mug in the kiln, it would stay really fragile and it would easily crumble. It wouldn't have a lot of use to yourself or to other people.
Similarly, a crucible in our lives represents a challenging situation, like being the caregiver for a lot of different people. When you're in that situation, there's pressure applied. You can feel pressure from everybody around you. But if you're smart about how you walk through that crucible, it can ultimately strengthen you and shape you into an even more vibrant, more resilient, more refined version of yourself.
When you're in this sandwich generation, you're under a lot of emotional, relational, and logistical pressure, and that can start to feel like it's going to break you. When you really honor that process, and you do some of the things we're going to talk about today, it can help you dig even deeper into personal growth.
You can learn how to take even better care of yourself, have even stronger boundaries with other people, and learn to heal parts of you that are going to come up to the surface as a result of the pressure. This process can be used for good.
Now, I’m not saying it's easy. I do not want to minimize what you're going through. And, I want to encourage you that as you name what's hard and you frame your reality and you apply some of the steps we're going to talk about today, you can come through this season, this fire, this crucible, even stronger than you were before.
Here are three primary strategies I want you to think about as you imagine yourself in this crucible, in this high pressure situation that you're in. I'm going to give you three words to orient yourself as you think about how to allow this challenging season to do its work for good inside of you.
Number one: re-parenting. Crucibles are an opportunity for your own healing. It may not feel that way, but I'm going to show you how that's true.
Number two: boundaries. A crucible is an amazing opportunity to take inventory of your own boundary lines and get crystal clear about them. You do not have the margin during this season to take on anything that is not yours to take on, and so this is your chance. If you've ever wanted to really work on your boundaries, this is the time to do it.
And then number three: surrender. What I mean by that term surrender is the spiritual antidote to guilt. Surrender is the spiritual antidote to guilt. You're going to work on reparenting. You're going to work on your boundaries, and then you're going to let it all go and surrender. That's how you ultimately beat the guilt.
So number one, what do I mean by reparenting? Well, the work of caregiving for others, whether it's our kids or our own parents, often is a seedbed for reactivating our own wounds. Often when we're caring for our own children, there are really beautiful opportunities to do things differently. We can do for our own kids the things that were never done for us.
And that can be really life giving as a parent, to reparent the parts of you through providing for your own kids the things that you yearned to have for yourself. But here's the thing. As you also step into caring for your own parents as they age, it is another opportunity for you to reparent parts of you.
Often, as our parents age, their old patterns get magnified. So if you have a parent who likes to guilt trip you or criticize you or constantly give you advice, those patterns are going to intensify. Or if you have a parent who is in avoidance, who doesn't like to deal directly with their physical ailments, or who doesn't like to deal directly with conflict or who is in denial about their own emotions, that is also going to intensify as they age.
Those patterns don't tend to go away. They tend to intensify as people age, and so you're going to be right back in that proverbial soup in which you were cooked, where mom is criticizing you or dad is in complete denial about his needs.
You're going to feel frustrated, you're going to feel annoyed, you're going to notice old parts of you come to the surface that you may not have seen for a long time. You might start noticing that fawn response, where you start trying to please them in order to avoid their criticism, in order to avoid their irritation.
Parts of you are going to be like, what is wrong with me? I am an adult. Why am I defaulting to this old childlike behavior with my parent? It's so normal, please hear me say. And it is an opportunity for even deeper healing, if you notice that irritation, that agitation, maybe you're going into fight mode more, maybe you notice yourself going into that people pleasing mode more.
You want to shut it out, even though other parts of you feel that you actually need to show up for your parent right now, no matter what they did or didn't do in the past. So you've got to deal with a part that wants to check out and not deal with this. This is an opportunity to re-parent that part of you that's showing up.
How do you do that?
The first thing you do is get curious about it. Notice it without shame. What's the impulse that you're noticing? For example, I can't stop pleasing my mom. I can't say no to her, even when I know it's not logical. I wonder what that's about. Or I am so irritable with my dad! I don't want to be, but I am. I want to get curious about that.
That part of me is like a child trying to scurry around to make mom happy. I wonder what that's about. What is she afraid would happen if I say to my mom, I can't do this today. I'll get back to you tomorrow. What is she afraid would happen if dad was irritated with me?
And then notice, where do you feel that impulse, that urge in your body? Are you hunched over? Are you tense? How old does that part of you feel? Is she 16 afraid of getting in trouble? Is she a five year old part of you afraid of losing their love?
It is so normal for these young parts of you to show back up in these stressful situations. Get curious about those parts of you.
Number two, extend those parts of you compassion. You want to let those parts of you know, I get it. Dad's temper was scary back then. Mom's criticism hurts. It is hard to feel like I can't make them happy. Whatever it is that those parts of you feel, honor the validity of those feelings.
Simultaneously, let those parts of you know that you're here now and that you know how to manage yourself and your parents in ways those young parts of you never did. Update them about all the things you've accomplished in your adult life, that you know how to speak up for yourself.
If someone is criticizing you, you know how to set healthy boundaries and tell someone, no, I can't help you with that right now. I'll get back to you in a couple of days when I can. Let those parts of you know that there's an adult in the room who can handle this and that they don't have to.
You might ask yourself, what are those parts of me afraid might happen in this moment, if I don't get it right, if I don't make everyone happy, if I can't solve the problems in front of me? If I can't make all of my family members content at all times, what am I afraid might happen? Am I afraid of losing love? Am I afraid of being a failure? What am I afraid might happen?
Honor the fears that come up. And then as you're noticing these parts of you that are anxious or scared or stressed out or fearful, what might happen if you invite God to be with those parts of you? What burdens from long ago need to be released into the arms of God?
Do they need to release any burdens of wanting to be perfect, of wanting to earn love, of wanting to keep the peace at all costs, of feeling responsible for everybody else's problems? Imagine yourself letting go of those burdens and taking a deep breath.
As you work with these young parts of yourself, you're learning to reparent yourself in ways. These parts of you need you to show up for them. They need you to make time for them every single day to ensure that you're not placing burdens on them that were never theirs to bear.
You will take care of these other people in your life. You will. But you will care for them so much more wisely, more strategically, more sustainably, if you first tend to these tender, vulnerable, young parts who still live inside of you.
This work of reparenting yourself is a practice every single day, and I've got some resources for you, some questions that might be helpful for you. I will post a link in this episode’s show notes, where you can do some work of tending to these young parts of you who show up in the face of overwhelm, especially when you're giving out so much care to others.
Number two: boundaries. As you do that inner work of identifying misplaced burdens that were never yours to bear, you're also going to want to set some external boundaries to help safeguard some spaciousness for yourself. You will not be able to meet all of these needs around you if you don't take some time to renegotiate your external boundaries.
Some practical ways to do that, number one, I want you to think about making a weekly self-care appointment. That could be with a therapist. It could be with a pastor. It could be with a spiritual director. It could be with a sibling or a good friend. But I want you to set aside some time regularly to check-in with someone about your own needs.
When you're caring for a lot of other people, it's incredibly important to make sure that you set apart time for someone else to check in on you. Number two, you might need some sort of daily practice such as journaling, where you give yourself space to write out all the things you feel you don't want to lose touch with yourself.
Often what I'll say to people is, set a timer. Don't overwhelm yourself. 10 minutes every day, five minutes every day, to write down your stream of consciousness. This is hard. I'm struggling. I'm mad at these people. I hate this. Whatever it is that you're feeling, give yourself permission to feel it.
And then number three, make a list of all your commitments, including the caregiving commitments that are in front of you. I want you to rank them and I want you to cut out the commitments that are not essential. Especially those things that are not life-giving.
Now's the time to cull your schedule. If there are a few things you've got lingering on and you don't really enjoy it, you don't really feel called to it anymore, maybe you've taken on an optional responsibility at work that you could let go of. Maybe you're doing some volunteer work or you're on a committee at church and you feel responsible for it.
But honestly, it's hard. It's a drag on your time and you don't have the bandwidth for it right now. Now's the time. Now's the time to take that off your plate and to say the hard no’s. You've got a lot you need to say yes to in your life right now. So you've got to get extra clear about your no’s. I have a ton of resources about how to figure out your yes’ and no's in my book, The Best of You, if you want to go deeper on that. It's a super practical resource on boundary setting.
Now's the time to cull if there are relationships that are a drain. Now might be the time to say to that person, I care about you and I have so much on my plate that you may not hear from me for a while. And I want you to know that this is what I've got going on. I may not be available.
So this is a time with boundary setting to schedule time for yourself intentionally. To make sure you've got some sort of daily practice where you're giving yourself permission to feel what you feel, such as journaling.
Number three, culling your schedule and taking things off that you don't have the bandwidth for. You're increasing the amount of time with people and activities that are life-giving for you and you are decreasing the amount of time with the people and activities that are life-draining for you.
Lastly, this word surrender. God meets us when we are hurting the most. God meets us in our overwhelm. Now, listen, we have to do our part. We have to work at our boundaries, we have to work at our inner lives, at reparenting ourselves, and noticing what's going on inside of us.
That's our part of the equation. But the third part is God's. And God meets us when we are overwhelmed. God meets us, especially as folks who are giving so much care to others. And that word surrender, it doesn't mean we're giving up. In fact, I believe surrender is the antidote to false guilt.
Guilt tells us, I'm letting everybody down. But surrender says, I am limited, but God is big enough for all of us.
Guilt tells us, I have to be perfect, but surrender says, I'll never be perfect. And God's grace is enough.
Guilt tells us, I should be doing more, but surrender says, I'll give it my best and I'll trust God with the rest.
The antidote to guilt is a radical acceptance of our dependence on a good and kind God. It's choosing to bravely work out what we can, what is in our control, and leaving the rest to God. God, I don't want to disappoint this other person. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to let anyone down.
But I have to be brave. I have to make decisions. I have to live within the limits of my finances, of my time, of my own humanity. There is a profound shift that happens when we surrender, when we glimpse the end of ourselves and we reach the boundaries of our own capacity. A moment of surrender is quite possibly one of the most profound moments we experience this side of heaven.
It's not that our challenges magically resolve themselves. It's that when we become aware of our own frailties, of our own finitude, of our own human limitations, we discover that that's where God loves to enter in. It's where we stumble upon a deeper strength, one that doesn't come from inside of us. It's bigger than that.
We're doing everything in our power, and yet these problems are too much for us at times. We've reflected, we've prayed, we've journaled, we've set boundaries. We've done our part. We throw ourselves into the arms of grace and in that moment of surrender, all that mental work, all that anguish, all that stress, all that worry comes grinding to a halt.
We stop. We breathe. We release our grip. And in that moment, something miraculous happens. Our loving God, who has been there all along, breaks through a little bit. That divide between where we are and where God is disappears for a moment, and our minds calm. Something inside our body shifts. We take a break.
We take a walk. We might call a friend. We might let the tears fall, dance to a favorite song, or laugh out loud at the absurdity of this life at times. And then we get back up, and with God's help, we take it one brave step at a time.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by the needs of everyone around you, you're sandwiched between caring for different generations, including your own soul, right in the middle of it all, I want you to remember these three words: re-parenting, boundaries, and surrender.
Reparenting turns pressure and stress into an opportunity to nurture and care for the younger parts of you that still carry wounds from the past. When caregiving triggers those old fears or reactions, it's an invitation to pause and get curious.
What is this part of me afraid might happen? As you show compassion for those younger parts of you and invite God to be near, you'll begin to care for yourself even as you give out care to others.
Boundaries will help you navigate this season with strength and clarity. Setting limits doesn't mean you love others less. It means protecting your capacity so you can give out in a sustainable way. Sustainable boundaries will help you avoid burnout and allow you to care for others in legitimate ways without sacrificing your own wellbeing.
Lastly, surrender. No matter how hard we try, we can't fix everything or control the outcomes for other people. Surrender invites us to release what is not ours to control and trust that God is present in the midst of the mess. It's about doing your best and letting go of the rest, knowing that God's grace has no limits.
In my experience, God loves to surprise us by showing up in those moments when we feel the most defeated, the most overwhelmed, when we throw ourselves into the arms of his love and his kindness. He reminds us that we're never actually alone. And he cares so much more than we do about these other people and about the parts of our own souls in need of his care.