episode
81
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Emotions

Finding God Through Your Feelings—How to Practice the Presence of God No Matter What You’re Feeling

Episode Notes

If you're struggling to feel connected spiritually or stuck in negative emotions, you're in good company. Research shows that 9 out of 10 people struggle with stress during the holidays. In today's episode, I walk you through my simple but life-changing strategy for unlocking spiritual connection and experiencing more of God's loving presence.

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Here's what we cover:

1. 3 reasons painful emotions get heightened at the holidays (2:32)

2. A simple hack for experiencing more spiritual vitality (8:22)

3. The neurobiology of what happens when you connect with God (9:43)

4. How to transform mundane moments into spiritual encounters (12:18)

5. How to harness your external environment to change your mental habits (23:03)

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Thanks to our sponsors:

Music by Andy Luiten

Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik

While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.

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Resources

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Transcript

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Alison Cook: Hey everyone. And welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You Podcast. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you keep coming back each week. 

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The response to this new series on five steps to navigating overwhelming emotions has been amazing. So many of you have written to me, letting me know that yes, this holiday season, you are dealing with so many tough emotions. 

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The holidays amplify our emotional states, this is a well researched fact in psychology. The holidays put a magnifying glass on family gatherings, on times that are supposed to be joyful and celebratory. 

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And so they evoke memories from the past. It's normal and natural that you feel heightened emotions as you anticipate these gatherings. If you've had a loss in your family, or if you've got acrimony or discord in a family, or if you have painful memories from past holidays, it makes sense that the coming of December will trigger some of those emotions. 

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Our emotions often have roots in memories from the past. Which means they're often influenced by previous experiences. So when you encounter a situation that's similar to a situation you've encountered before, maybe numerous times, if you go back through the course of your whole life, your brain can trigger emotions based on those past experiences.

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So what I mean by that is as we move toward Christmas, there could be a young part of you, a part of you that is still stuck in a five year old memory of a traumatic Christmas. This is really common, these holidays have a lot of buildup around them.

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And so if you've got some unresolved pain from your past, it makes sense that the coming of the Christmas holiday will start to tap on areas where you might have some lingering wounds from things that occurred a long time ago.

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So that's one reason why emotions get intensified at the holidays–this idea of stored memory where a holiday triggers these memories from the past. A second reason is that there's a lot of pressure on the holidays. 

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There's a lot of stress on trying to make everything just right, make everything perfect, make everybody happy. Keep your kids happy. Keep your extended family happy, navigate different expectations that other people around you have for the holidays, navigate invitations or the lack of invitations. There's a lot of pressure to please, perform, produce, compare, all of those P words we went through last year at this time.

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These over-working parts of us tend to come out this time of year under all the pressure of the holiday season. It can amplify those feelings of being less than, or shame for not having things perfect. Or those feelings that surface when you feel like you can't please everybody. 

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Or the feeling of self defeat when you feel like you can't produce at the level that everybody expects you to produce. Or the feelings of inferiority if you feel like you're not measuring up to what you see everyone around you doing. There's so many ways that some of these go-to parts of us can surface.

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So if you're noticing yourself feeling more of those feelings than you normally do, don't be surprised. The holidays tend to activate some of these feelings. And then finally, the third reason that our emotional overwhelm can get amplified during the holidays is that the holidays can serve as a milestone or a marker for grief and loss. 

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The holidays tend to evoke those memories of the people we love who are no longer with us, or the people we love who are far away or who we can't be with during this season. And so you may feel the tension of the holiday season, wanting to experience the joy of the holiday season while simultaneously being even more aware of the grief or the loss.

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This is normal, and throughout this series, I really want you to honor these different emotions that surface during the holidays. If there's one thing you take from this entire series, it's this: all of those emotions are welcome.

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All of those emotions have a seat at your table, this holiday season. I can feel both joy and sadness this holiday.

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I'm actually going to focus on that feeling and befriend it and incorporate that emotion into my experience of the holidays this year. Those are the first two steps to dealing with overwhelming emotions. We're going to get to the third step in today's episode, which is to invite God into your experience of that emotion.

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***

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The third step of the five steps to navigating your overwhelming emotions is based on my book with Kimberly Miller, Boundaries For Your Soul. This third step of “invite” is so important. This is the step where deep healing and transformation occurs.

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You've got to first focus on that emotion. You've got to stop trying to banish it or make it go away. You've got to befriend that emotion, make peace with it. Then, where the real transformation occurs is when you're present to that emotion, whatever it is, you invite God to be with you in your experience of that emotion.

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This is holy ground. This is where transformation occurs, where you not only become present to your own experience of an emotion, but you invite the one who made you and who loves you to be present with you in your experience of that emotion. 

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And I want to simplify this process because it's a really deep transformational process, but there's a really simple way into it. It's what I like to call “comma, God”. It's a really simple hack that I've found to be transformational in my own life. 

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What you do is no matter where you are, it could be right now, wherever you are listening to this podcast, it could be while you're journaling, it could be while you're grocery shopping, it could be while you're in the car pickup lane, waiting to pick up your child from school. 

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You become aware of the emotion. You focus on it. Oh. There it is. There's that emotion. There's that feeling I wish I didn't have. I do have it. I'm going to befriend it. And as you're naming that experience of that emotion, I want you to simply add a comma, God to your experience of naming that emotion.

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Here are some examples of what I mean. I'm worried about all of these things. I'm worried about my kids. I'm worried about money. I'm worried about my health. Start to add a comma, God. I'm worried, God. I'm sad, God. I don't have time to pray, God. I'm angry, God. 

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And suddenly you just start to name these different experiences, and you're inviting God into the experience with you. I'm so mad right now, God. I don't have enough help. I'm all on my own. No one is helping me with anything. 

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“I feel so alone” becomes “I feel so alone, God, help me find support”. And you see the difference when you're in the emotion and you're ruminating in the emotion–I'm worried, I'm angry, I'm this, I'm that–you're blended with the emotion.

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As you begin to bring that emotion out in front of you, you focus on it. You befriend it. I'm worried. And then you invite God into it. I'm worried, God. Help me untangle the knots. And suddenly you're engaged in a lived embodied form of prayer. Instead of walking through the grocery store lines, mindlessly ruminating, you're mindfully aware of the things on your mind in partnership with God's spirit. 

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It's a simple way into an ancient practice that Brother Lawrence talked about in his beautiful book, Practicing the Presence of God. Every single moment you become aware of an emotion, wherever you are, you name it, you befriend it, and you invite God into your experience with it.

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You just add a comma, God. Comma, God is a simple way into a deeply transformational practice, literally wherever you are, whatever you're thinking about, add a comma, God.

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What's happening in that moment is a deeply profound act of becoming consciously aware of the contents of your own soul, getting them out of your mind, getting out of your amygdala, out of your left brain where you're ruminating.

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You're becoming consciously aware of whatever it is that's on your mind, whatever emotions, whatever thoughts–you're bringing them out in front of you, with those first two steps and then adding that comma, God. Suddenly you're not alone. You're aware of your feelings in partnership with God.

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This is a transformational way to go through your day.

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As you invite God into whatever it is that you're experiencing at any given moment of the day, you transform your spiritual practices. No longer is prayer this sort of 20 minute quiet time that you guilt trip yourself for not having every single morning–all of a sudden prayer becomes an embodied way of being in the world.

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And you begin to bring every part of who you are into relationship with both yourself and with God. And here's the thing: even if you notice that you don't want to invite God into that moment, I'm mad at you, God, I don't really want to talk to you about it. Right there, you're still engaging a form of prayer. 

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Your comma God is: I'm mad and I don't want to talk with you about it, God. I'm hurting and I don't want to pray, God. Suddenly you're telling God about how you feel about talking to God, which is a form of prayer in and of itself.

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It's amazing when you start to add a comma God to the end of every single feeling and every single sentence that you notice in your heart, mind, and soul. So I want to end today's episode with some other ways that you can practice this embodied version of prayer.

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Many of us measure the success of our prayer life by maybe the intensity of connection that we feel with God or the minutes on the clock or how much we're able to focus with our eyes closed on God or meditating on scripture. Now, listen, those are all really fantastic practices, and we need to do those things, but I'm pretty sure that practicing the presence of God and inviting God into everything you're experiencing is equally as important, if not more.

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It's what we see in the life of Jesus. It's walking in step with God's Spirit, which is what Paul talked about in Galatians 5. Let us keep in step with God's spirit all the time, everywhere we go. This is not shaming nor judging, this is a reorienting of your mind, heart, and soul to the presence of God. 

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In order to do that, you first have to be aware of the contents of your own soul, of what you're really thinking and feeling. And you have to believe that the God you're inviting into the contents of your soul loves you and is not judging or fearful of anything that God will find there. A lot of times we're having to get rid of old messages that we've inherited somehow.

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It's a practice. Here are some really practical ways to train yourself toward this practice of paying attention to your feelings, even as you're inviting God into them. So the first step is to think about a time of day when your mind drifts, whether you're gardening or walking or driving to work or cooking or in traffic. These sort of dead periods where you're doing something, but your mind is free to wander. 

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These are the best moments to begin to capture this step of invite, in this step of using the comma, God hack where you become consciously aware of whatever it is that you're thinking and feeling and adding that comma God to the experience. 

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So the very first thing to do once you've identified those places where your mind tends to drift or where the emotions could potentially stir up, because you've got some dead time where you don't have to be focused on work or on somebody else. And just begin to notice, what are you actually thinking about?

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What are you actually feeling? And then add that comma God, invite God into that experience. Isn't that interesting? I'm worried about my bills. I'm worried about my health. And then just take that next step. God, here's what's happening. I'm worried about my bills.

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I'm worried about my health, God. Help me think clearly about what's really going on. Be with me as I work to get to the root of these fears or, I can't shake this idea that someone is mad at me, that I'm letting someone down, that I'm disappointing someone, God. Isn't that interesting? 

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Could you be with the part of me that's ruminating on this? They can't stop thinking about this. Could you help me consider the facts of the situation, God? Could you help me discern, God? If I actually hurt another person, if I actually did let someone down or if I didn't, God, could you help me think through this situation?

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Suddenly you've got a partner as you become mindful of this fear. Or I'm wrestling with grief. God, I don't want to feel grief. I want to numb out. I want to make it go away, but I can't. It's here, God. Could you be with me in the grief? Could you help me honor the grief without letting the grief take me over? 

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Could you help me, God? 

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Carve out times to grieve, and to simultaneously still honor the good gifts that are available to me right now. God, could you help me honor both? I'm worried, God, about the conflict that I know is going to ensue on Christmas Day between my parents who are divorced or between my siblings who don't talk to each other anymore, between my kids who don't really get along.

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I'm worried, God, could you join me in that worry? Could you help that part of me to calm down a little bit, because when I calm that worry a little bit, that's when creativity starts to show up. Could you help me, God, to calm that worried part of my soul? I'm tired, God. I don't have the energy to do all this.

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Could you come be with that part of me, Lord? That's exhausting. Could we just tend to that weary part of my soul and could we stop forcing her to get it together for just this one moment? Suddenly you're tending to these different parts of you in partnership with God. You're taking otherwise ordinary moments of the day and turning them into healing moments where you become aware of what your soul actually needs. 

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Creativity shows up in those moments of holy, God-driven, compassionate self-awareness.

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So the first way to invite God into this process is to identify those times throughout your day where you have that dead time, where you're doing something, some sort of task, but your mind tends to drift. Your mind tends to wander. Capture those moments to do this work to focus on the emotion that you're feeling, whatever it is in that moment. 

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Befriend it and to invite God into it through using this comma God exercise. So that's the first thing you want to do. I want you to harness the power of those moments that we all have throughout the day. There's no excuse not to do this work. We all have moments of time where we're participating in a somewhat mindless activity. Turn those mindless activities into mindful moments with God, where you do this work again of focusing on an emotion that you're feeling, befriending it and inviting God into it.

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The second thing that you can do in order to invite God into more of what you're experiencing each and every day is to harness the power of your external environment. Notice the things around you, particularly in nature. Nature is filled with reminders about the power of God. And that's why Jesus used so many metaphors related to the mountains, the hills, the trees. 

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He was always looking to nature as a reminder to point us toward God. Nature serves as this very practical, concrete, reminder. Whether you're in a house looking out the window, whether you live in an apartment in a city or whether you live out in the country, you can always look out your window and see what is going on outside and use that as a cue to remind you about God. 

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So you start to add a comma God to whatever it is that you notice when you're looking at what's around you in your external environment. So here are some examples of how you can use those external cues, especially from nature to practice inviting in the presence of God. So the first thing is just to look at your window and notice, do you see trees?

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Do you see mountains? Do you see grass? Is the sun out or is the sun setting? Is it night or is it day? Each one of those things that are always going to be around you becomes a cue. Let's say you're taking a walk and you start to notice the trees around you. I see those trees, God, those trees remind me that all seasons pass.

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Maybe you notice that it's winter, that there's snow on the ground. I see the snow on the ground. The trees don't have leaves, God, this is a reminder that everything has its season. It's okay for me not to feel the glory of all the fruitfulness right now. This season matters. And this season will also pass.

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Maybe you put a plant in front of you that you tend each day. And every day you see that plant becomes a cue to invite God into whatever it is that you're experiencing. Every time I water this plant, God, I'm reminded that I need to water my own body, literally, that I need to tend to the garden of my own soul. Every time I notice that this plant needs me to remove some weeds or some dead leaves, it reminds me, God, to check in on the soil of my own soul. What does my own soul need? 

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A powerful resource that I want to, that I can't recommend and a powerful resource that I can't recommend enough is Dr. Anita Phillips’ new book called The Garden Within. It's a beautiful book that uses this metaphor of the soil of your soul and how you need to tend to it. And so maybe you read that book and you buy a plant, and every day that you have to care for that plant becomes a reminder to you to add that comma God.

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Here's this plant that needs my care, God. How can I apply that same wisdom to my own soul? Maybe every morning or every evening, as you watch the sun set, you notice that sunset and add that, comma, God. The sun is setting, God, you do that.

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I have no control over that. I can't make that happen. And yet, every evening, the sun sets, God, and every morning, that same sun rises. Those two things happen and they remind me that you are ultimately in control, God, and I am not. What are the things in my own life that I need to send off with the sun as the sun sets and let it go for the rest of this evening?

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Because guess what? Those things will come back tomorrow when I wake up with the sun and the sun rises. Those things I'm worried about will still be here tomorrow, God. But I can let those things go with the sun as it sets right now. 

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Okay, so that’s the second practical thing you can do. The first one is just to identify those places during the day where you've got some mindless time, where your mind tends to wander. Turn those mindless times into mindful times where you invite God into whatever it is that your mind goes to during those times, because there's really no such thing as a mindless time. Your mind is dwelling on something during those moments. So use those dead times to focus, befriend, and invite God into whatever it is that you're experiencing.

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Number two, use those external reminders, especially from nature. And again, the reason I love using those cues from nature, whether it's plants, trees, hills, the seasons, the sun rising or setting, whatever it is that's around you is that they are just beautiful reminders of how God shows up in every detail of every day.

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Every time you notice one of those objects in nature, remind yourself to add that comma, God. What does that tree have to teach me, God? What does the fact that the sun is setting right now have to remind me of you? Use those external cues. And then number three, the last practical thing you can do to invite more of the presence of God into your day to day life, is your breath.

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Your breath is such a powerful tool. It's literally what keeps you alive. You do it all the time. And so often we are not mindful or conscious of the fact that we're breathing. But when you notice those moments, again, going back to those typically mindless moments, when you're in traffic or you're picking up your kids or you're running errands.

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Start to notice your breath. Notice what it feels like to take a deep breath in and take a deep breath out, and then add a comma God. I'm worried, God. Inhale. I trust you, God. Exhale. This is called breath prayer.

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And it's really powerful. And you can do it wherever you are at any moment of the day. Begin to notice your breath. “God, I'm struggling”, as you breathe in. “I need you”, as you breathe out, 

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“God, I'm scared”, as you breathe in. “Be with me”, as you breathe out. “God, I'm overwhelmed”, as you breathe in. “Be with me”, as you breathe out. 

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And as you do that you're practicing an embodied version of prayer. You're incorporating your whole nervous system because taking those breaths calms your nervous system. You're also opening up those connection pathways in your brain. You're connecting with the God who loves you, which brings endorphins in.

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It brings good chemicals into your body. Suddenly, you're not alone. You're working in partnership with God. It's not that your problems magically go away, but you're incorporating the power of your God-given design as you invite God into whatever it is that you're experiencing. As you do that, your nervous system calms, good chemicals come in, you feel more grounded.

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And from that place, we know from all the psychology research and all the neurobiology that when you're a little bit more grounded, when you're a little bit calmer, when you're experiencing that sense of connectedness, creativity starts to spark, and it's from this place, this calmer place inside this connected place inside where you're present to what you really feel.

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In partnership with God's Spirit, you will begin to discern your next brave steps. You'll start to find a way forward. I want you to practice noticing, “What am feeling right now?”, befriending it, and inviting God into whatever it is that you're experiencing right now.

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This is the path to transforming overwhelming emotions into your greatest allies in partnership with God's Spirit.

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