From Rejection to Redemption—Transforming Your Rejection Story Into One of Loving Empowerment

This week Dr. Alison dives into a heartfelt exploration of rejection, including how we internalize rejection from early life experiences, and how these moments shape our sensitivity to social dynamics and self-perception later in life. Dr. Alison shares personal stories and scientific insights to unpack the physical and emotional impacts of rejection, offering a pathway to healing and acceptance.

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You’ll learn:

* How early experiences of rejection influence our reactions and relationships in adulthood

* The scientific basis for why rejection hurts so much

* Strategies for reframing our internal narratives

* Practical tips for engaging with the parts of ourselves that still feel the sting of past rejections

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Resources:

• Episode 143: Reparenting Your Younger Self—How to Stop Seeking Approval From Others & Find Inner Security
• Psalm 34:18

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If you liked this, you’ll love:

• Episode 87: A Surprising Way to Break Free From Self-Criticism & Comparing Yourself to Others

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‍Thanks to our sponsors:

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Music by Andy Luiten/Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik

© 2024 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage without permission from the author. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍

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Transcript:

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Alison Cook: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You Podcast. I'm so glad you're here with me this week. I've received so many responses from you to our latest episodes, especially Episode 143, where I shared about reconnecting with a young part of myself. 

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I felt pretty vulnerable after recording that episode, and I so appreciated your notes and emails. Many of you reached out to share with me from your own experiences. It was so interesting to me to hear how much that resonated with you, even though maybe you didn't have the language to understand what was happening at the time. 

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One of you described that inner feeling as if you were smiling from ear to ear, or feeling giddy internally. It seems like that young part of us seems to emerge often when we're doing something alone. That was really interesting for me. 

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As I read some of your stories, I heard some of you share about being on a trip that maybe you were scared to take, but then that little young part of you couldn't stop smiling. A couple of you wrote to me about an experience of being at a restaurant by yourself. I have to admit, I also relate to that one. 

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It's almost like those young parts of us are like, oh my gosh, here we are. We're doing this very adult thing, this kind of sophisticated thing all by ourselves, and there's that childlike wonder that overcomes us. It was really interesting that in some of these moments that might even otherwise feel intimidating, they can also have the power to create opportunities to invite these young, playful, wonder-seeking parts of us to come to the surface. 

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I'm so grateful for your notes, for your emails. They mean a lot to me. Sometimes they challenge me. In fact, several of you have written to me over the past month or so asking me specifically about rejection, how hard it is as an adult, and what its relationship is to these younger parts. 

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That's exactly what we're going to dive into in this episode today. I have to admit, a part of me kind of winces a little bit. I have a very strong protector that doesn't like to think about rejection. In fact, I had to get curious about my aversion to the topic myself. Sure enough, that part of me doesn't want me to feel those painful, painful feelings that come from experiences of rejection. 

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But as we all know, it can be so helpful and so informative when we get curious about those feelings, and even befriend those feelings, because they are powerful lessons. They teach us about how to navigate those experiences in our adult lives more successfully. 

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I wanted to start out today's episode by sharing one of the stories that emerged for me about my own experience with rejection. Then I'll talk a little bit about the science of rejection, why it hurts so much, and how it can become a conduit for healing, even more confidence, even more courage, and even the clarity to step authentically into the lives we actually crave.

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So here's my story. The truth is, I experienced rejection kind of a lot as a child. Honestly, I think most of us did, in one way or another. For me, it was not making the sports teams, or missing out on the role I wanted in a school play, or the subtle but still stinging pain of not being invited to join a group of girls or to attend a party.

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One particularly sharp and poignant memory involves a boy I had a huge crush on in high school. I was not the girl that the boys were drawn to from middle school to high school. As much as my adult self can look back with relief and say, gosh, I missed out on so much unnecessary drama during those years at the time, it was really painful. 

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Speaking of rejection, it’s never being the girl that was chosen, to be asked by the object of my affection. I remember this night so vividly, I had been homesick, I had missed a couple days of school, and this boy that I had a crush on came over to my house. I couldn't believe he had showed up at my doorstep. 

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We were kind of friendly with each other, but it was an unusual occurrence that he rang our doorbell. As we sat there, my heart was soaring and I was wondering why he was there. Suddenly he began to share with me the real reason he'd stopped by was to confess his feelings for my best friend.

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He wanted to confide in me and to get my support. Oh, it was heartbreaking. It was also a role I know all too well, the one others turned to for support, whether it be boys or female friendships, and rarely the person who was chosen to be the leading lady, to be the star, to be the one out in the front.

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These early experiences have shaped me in many ways, and I wish that they hadn't, but they have. I still can be very sensitive to social dynamics. Sometimes that's why it's hard for me to be on social media. I'm aware of different groups of people, even different cliques, different in-groups that I might not be a part of. I feel it at large women's conferences, where I'll feel like no matter what I try or no matter what I do, I'll always feel a little bit on the periphery.

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I've never wanted to blame others for those feelings, but that sensitivity is very real and it lingers. I often think of this part of me as highly sensitive. It's very aware of rejection, even when other people aren't necessarily doing it. Sometimes they are being cruel and sometimes they're not. 

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Regardless, I've had to learn how to work with this part of me and how to reframe the messages that this part of me often picks up. It's part of my own ongoing work of healing, of learning to both affirm the feelings of this part of me, as well as to reframe some of the unhelpful, untrue messages and beliefs this part of me has held onto for far too long.

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Before we get into some of that healing reframing work, I want to touch on why rejection hurts so much. There are a lot of reasons that I think it hurts. I've already talked about the factor of being highly sensitive people. That's something we've talked a lot about on the podcast. In fact, I probably need to do a whole episode on what that means. 

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I think that many of us who are very empathetic, very aware of other people's feelings, also have deeply feeling parts of ourselves. So that's one piece of it, but the other piece of it is simply universal. There are studies in social psychology that tell us the pain of rejection isn't emotional. It's actually physical. 

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I have a dear friend who is a leading neuropsychologist, who actually worked on some of these early studies, where scientists discovered that our brains process social pain or the pain of rejection similarly to how it processes physical pain.

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When they do these studies on people who are experiencing rejection or being excluded by a group, the same part of the brain that registers physical pain, as if you were punched, lights up. When you experience the pain of rejection, it's almost a literal punch to the gut and that's how it feels inside of us.

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There is such a thing as social survival, and being excluded from a group hurts. Our brains treat social rejection as a serious threat. Often, these wounds go back to those formative years in middle school and high school when we're really shifting our attention to seeking approval and connection and validation from our peer groups.

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Inevitably, when we experience pain during those seasons, a wound is so often created, and these childhood experiences play a big role in how we process rejection as adults. If we feel rejected early in life, often these moments happen in secret and we dismiss them, or we shame ourselves for them, or we tell ourselves it's my fault that I don't belong.

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This is what I began to notice as I began to unpack this as an adult. At one point, several years ago, I was invited to attend a large women's conference, and I noticed from the start, this familiar feeling of, I don't belong. No one wants me here. No one's really reaching out to me to make me feel a part of this group.

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It's not that anybody was being overtly cruel. They weren't, but I became instantly aware in sort of that teenage/preteen angsty way of, oh, I don't belong here. I felt awkward in the clothes I was wearing. I was very aware right away, oh, I'm not dressed in the same styles that everybody else is. 

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I could feel it, that people would nod and say hello, but they weren't really interested in drawing me into their already established groups. I don't know that anybody around me was necessarily doing anything wrong. I know in that moment, I felt like I stuck out like that proverbial sore thumb. 

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I felt that awkward, angsty, teenage part of me, desperate to look effortless, to look cool, to be part of the cool kids. I remember finally what I did for myself in that moment, what I didn't have the courage to do for myself back when I was a teenager, I took myself out of that experience. 

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In this case, I left the large group and walked all the way to the back of the stadium where no one could see me. I sat by myself, and I sat for that moment with that young 15-year old part of me and said, dear sweet girl, you do not have to do this. You do not have to turn yourself inside out to fit in with them.

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You can be here with me. I love who you are. You do not have to do that work to try to fit in with them. And that moment was so healing, so freeing. It was the start of what I learned about reframing some of those old messages.

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You see, that younger part of me had picked up the belief, this burden, that if other people aren't seamlessly inviting me in, there's something wrong with me. The first step was to get her out of that situation with someone who really loved her for who she was. In this case, that person was me.

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So recognizing these patterns, these moments, when we feel that sharp sting of rejection, whether it's on social media, seeing a group of friends gathering that you weren't invited to, or whether it's at your church group where you're aware that other people seem to all be part of something that you feel on the outs of, or maybe it happens at work or in another community where you feel overlooked.

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You're not given the promotion or you're not called upon in group conversations, and you feel like an outsider, you feel rejected. Believe it or not, recognizing those moments and pausing to get curious about your own responses to them is the first step toward healing.

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So let's talk about how we heal from the sting of rejection. How do we comfort these parts of us that very understandably feel left out, ignored, overlooked, invisible, not good enough? How do we help comfort them and remove that sting of rejection? There's an old saying you'll often hear that says rejection is God's protection.

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I actually really like that saying. I think there's a lot of truth in it. I know that when I look back on my high school years, I am so grateful for God's protection that saved me from heartache in a lot of ways. Even when I look back at jobs I didn't get, or promotions I didn't get, or communities that rejected me, often hindsight is 20-20 and I'm so grateful that God closed those doors. 

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Even today, when I'm more in the midst of it, when I'm aware, oh, there's a group of women over there that isn't showing any interest in me, or I feel rejected by colleagues or by peers or even online, yes, I can still feel that way on social media, I can more easily remind myself, wait a minute, there's a reason for that. 

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Either they will come around, or they're not the right fit for me. To really let the truth of that message sink in deeply into the parts of ourselves, we do need to connect first with the part of us that feels the sting. Otherwise, we bypass the pain. We give ourselves a superficial fix. 

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We tell ourselves not to feel that way and inevitably end up numbing or distracting ourselves because we haven't really gotten down to the root of where that sting might be festering. So here are three ways to get to the root of some of the sting of rejection so that you can begin to heal it deep down inside, which makes it a little bit easier to reframe what's happening in your present life. 

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Number one: get curious about the rejected part of you. When you feel rejected, pause, like I did at that conference. Pause and notice the part of you that's feeling that pain. Don't shoo it away or try to rationalize yourself out of it or logic yourself out of it. Get curious about that part of you. 

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My guess is that part of you is a younger version of yourself. She might go all the way back to childhood and have a memory of being rejected very early on. She might go back to your teenage years, but no doubt she's got memories of those feelings of rejection. If you're able, connect to her with compassion. 

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I see that you're here. I understand. I get it. This does hurt. I'm here with you now. God is here with us too. We're not alone in this experience of rejection. 

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Now listen, if you've got deep trauma as it relates to rejection and you've never really looked at some of those memories, don't do this work alone. Get the help of a therapist or a trusted advisor to take a look at some of those stories with you.

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But as you develop trust with these younger parts of you, they will recognize that you are in fact the adult now in the room, and you can honor that part of you that feels so rejected, so left out, by extending to her your compassionate listening. I get it. This is hard. This does hurt. I wish you didn't have to go through this. You connect first to the part of yourself feeling rejected with compassion.

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Second, get curious about what beliefs this part of you carries. What does she think is happening in this situation? If it's helpful, imagine yourself talking this through with your own child or a niece or a nephew that you love who is feeling rejected, and you're helping walk them through it.

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Imagine this part of you as a beloved young child and ask her, what sense are you making of this? What do you believe is happening here? For example, in my case, at that large women's conference, this part of me was saying, this always happens to me. I'm never the one who easily enters into the party. I'm always on the edges. 

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I had a parade of images of being in high school and feeling on the periphery, never the one necessarily being pushed out cruelly, that wasn't my story, but also never the one really being invited in. I often felt on the periphery. That was the story that this part of me had. When I asked her more about the messages she believed, sure enough, she said, what's wrong with me? 

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What's wrong with me? It must be me. I'm the problem. And when I felt the angst of that energy in my spirit, it was almost like a light bulb going off. I could turn to that part of me and say, no, you misunderstand. There was never anything wrong with you. 

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That wasn't your time. That wasn't your season. Those weren't your people. That wasn't your guy. That wasn't your friend group. There was never anything wrong with you. You were made for something different from that.

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I could reframe that message for the younger part of me, and that got the healing deeper into my soul. I knew that already on one level, but those younger parts of us, they're stubborn. They hang on to those old messages. So for you, what are some of those messages that young parts of you have picked up and kind of stubbornly cling to, even though parts of you know they're not true?

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Some common ones as it relates to rejection are: "I'm not good enough” or “There must be something wrong with me” or “I don't belong anywhere. Nobody really wants me” or “I'll never succeed”. These are not true. These are messages that young parts of us feel and cling to at the depths of our being. 

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But as we connect to these young parts of us, we can help them reframe these messages and have a different experience as they connect with us, our adult self, and with God's Spirit. 

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Here are some truthful messages: I'm not good enough becomes maybe they're not good enough for me. 

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There must be something wrong with me becomes this isn't a good fit for how God made me to be. 

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I don't belong anywhere becomes I haven't found my people or my place or my work yet, but I will. God has that for me. 

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Nobody wants me becomes I'm going to commit to finding those people who do get me, who do see me, who do invite me in.

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I'll never succeed becomes I may not have found my place yet, but with God's help, I will. 

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Shift to these more empowering messages, these messages you needed way back then. Imagine a wise parent sitting with you as a child saying, listen, it hurts to be rejected. I'm so sorry it happened, but this is not the end for you. There will be people out there. There will be opportunities for you.

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You will find places to use your gift. This will happen for you. I'm here with you, and with God's help, I'm going to help you find those opportunities, those places, those people. 

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You are not alone in this, and I can help you find the things that make you thrive, that make you feel alive, that make your heart sing, because that's what makes God's heart sing.

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You never got that parenting back then. You never got that reframing of those messages, but you can give those messages to the parts of yourself now. 

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Lastly, as you honor the part of you that feels the sting of rejection and you work with some of those old painful messages that parts of you have believed in the past and are tempted to believe in the present, you can now shift your energy toward finding those people, finding those places, finding that work that is meaningful for you, that does accept you, that does embrace you, that does make you feel valuable. 

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It may take some time, it may come quickly, but I promise you that as you put your energy into seeing yourself how God sees you, as worthy of love and capable of making deep contributions in this life you've been given, you will find doors that open for you. 

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Looking back, you'll realize that what seemed like insurmountable brick walls of rejection, of feeling on the outside, were actually the catalyst propelling you onto a new path, a better path, a path leading to a more fulfilling, more satisfying, more deeply authentic experience of yourself, of your relationships, and of your work and of every aspect of this life.

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These are the gifts that God wants for you. So often we are so busy looking over at who's not inviting us in at the places we haven't felt included, that we are missing out on this path into green meadows and beautiful pastures. The path God actually has for us. These paths may not look like what parts of us have envisioned, but they will represent the absolute most beautiful life God has for us.

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The paradox of facing the pain of rejection is that when we do, they present opportunities for us to dive even deeper into our understanding of ourselves, to really clarify our true desires and our deepest longings. This is where God loves to meet us.

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I'm reminded of Psalm 34:18. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and he saves those who are crushed in spirit. Remember that the word saves, sozo, also means to heal. He heals those places deep inside us where we felt the sting of rejection. And we have a part to play.

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We have to walk into those places and take a look at them with God's help. We have to grieve what wasn't fair, what was unjust, what we wanted and what we should have gotten but did not get, in addition to grieving what we wanted and was never ours to have. When we do that work, the healing begins.

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As we confront those wounds and move toward acceptance, a beautiful thing starts to happen inside our own souls. We refuse to reject ourselves. We say heck no to those shaming messages, that somehow we are the reason for those rejections. We refuse those messages, and instead we affirm deep within our souls, this is a good soul.

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God, this person you made me to be, who I am, God, this is a good gift. This person you have made me to be, regardless of what anybody else thinks. I want to become more of who you made me to be. I want to delight in this person you made me to be, as much as you delight in this person. 

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You start accepting and embracing and honoring the person God made you to be. You see yourself as the beautiful soul made in God's image that we all in fact are, one who is uniquely designed for loving relationships, for purpose, for a crucial role in God's Kingdom in this earthly life

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This is what is true. What's so amazing is that you will start to believe this truth about you. Will other people still reject you at times? Probably. In fact, embracing ourselves fully often means acknowledging that everyone else will not choose us, and that's okay. It's part of life. 

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When we accept our inherent belovedness and the beauty of our God-made soul, and learn to delight in the different parts of ourselves in the core of who we are as God delights in us, we are then empowered to move toward those who do see us, who do choose us, who do truly understand and love and delight in us too.

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This journey of self-acceptance and of healing begins when we first face and confront those feelings of rejection that we all feel at times. It means reframing the messages that we tell ourselves about those experiences, and then moving toward deep inner acceptance with God's help. 

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The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and he heals those who are crushed in spirit. Healing starts inside of you.

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