Narcissism in the Bible—5 Toxic Behaviors to Avoid & How to Protect Your Soul
Episode Notes
In this week’s episode, Dr. Alison explores the pervasive issue of narcissism—a term that's become increasingly relevant in today's culture. From toxic relationships to leadership failures, the influence of narcissism is widespread, affecting many without us even realizing it. Dr. Alison explains what it is and offers strategies to protect ourselves from its insidious effects.
You'll discover:
* The true meaning of narcissism beyond the buzzword.
* How to recognize love bombing
* The dangers of gaslighting and manipulation
* The tactics of triangulation
* Practical steps to guard your emotional health and develop resilience.
Resources:
- Episode 1: What Is Narcissism Really?
- Proverbs 4:23
- Psalm 1:1-3
If you liked this, you’ll love:
- Episode 13: Dr. Alison Answers Your Questions: Criticism, Narcissism, and Boundaries
Thanks to our sponsors:
- Go to www.organifi.com/bestofyou today and use code BESTOFYOU for 20% off your order today.
- As a listener of The Best of You Podcast, you can qualify to see a registered dietitian for as little as $0 by visiting faynutrition.com/bestofyou.
- Go to Quince.com/bestofyou for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order!
- This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/BESTOFYOU and get on your way to being your best self.
- I want all my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night’s sleep with a new mattress from Birch. Go to birchliving.com/bestofyou for 20% off sitewide.
- Contact Restoring the Soul today at www.restoringthesoul.com and learn how their Intensive Counseling Process can jump start your journey to the place you want to be. As a special gift for The Best of You podcast listeners, visit www.restoringthesoul.com/bestofyou to download their pdf called "5 Ways Unresolved Trauma May Be Derailing Your Relationship."
Music by Andy Luiten/Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik
© 2024 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage without permission from the author. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.
Transcript:
Alison Cook: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You Podcast. Today, we're diving into a topic that is so important. It's one that affects so many of us in ways we may not even realize, and the topic is narcissism.
We hear this word a lot these days. It gets thrown around in conversations about toxic relationships, leadership failures, and even the broader culture we live in. Lately, I feel like I’ve seen this deepening pattern of what I would call image management, where we live in a culture where there's so much focus on the persona, on perception, on how to craft my image about how other people see me.
Whether it's through social media, whether it's through reality television, whatever it may be, there's such a focus on that image, on that perception, on manipulating how people see me.
There's so much focus on that, as opposed to a focus on this inner work of really becoming a person who is good and kind and true and confident and empowered and full of life.
Where there's this deep well of goodness and character and integrity. That takes work to invest in, that process of becoming a whole and true person. Sometimes, and I'm going to be honest with you, when I'm looking at the culture around us, I get a little dismayed.
I feel like the focus is so much on those surface images, on the persona that we want the world to see us as, that we are neglecting the much more important and deeper work of really attuning to the parts of our own soul.
It's brought to mind this conversation about narcissism. We hear this word a lot, but what does it really mean? More importantly, how do we protect ourselves from it? Not only in our relationships–how do we spot someone with narcissistic tendencies so that we can protect ourselves–but also from the particles of narcissism that exist in the air around us, in the culture around us?
How do we protect our own souls? Here's the truth. When we aren't deeply connected to our own emotions, our own boundaries, and our own Spirit-led inner compass, our own inner wisdom, we become more vulnerable to the manipulation, to the gaslighting, to the emotional entanglements, to even some of the superficial posturing in the world all around us.
And here's the even harder part. Many of us were never taught how to prioritize this inner work in the first place. Many of us have been taught to look to others, to be trusting of others, to prioritize being loving toward others. These are all good qualities, but as important is what the Bible says about not being naive, about being wise, about being discerning, about being shrewd as the serpent and innocent as the dove.
We so often have not been taught how to do this work, to listen to our own inner wisdom, to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, who cues us to dangers in our environment, to untruths in our environment, to agendas in our environment that are not of God.
The Bible itself affirms the importance of this inner compass. Proverbs speaks of guarding the heart because everything flows from it. Jesus models inner integrity where he is never swayed by flattery, nor does he shrink back in fear.
He stands strong and anchored and rooted in the power of his inner conviction. In a world that is increasingly chaotic and confusing, where everyone seems to be trying to manipulate the truth for their own agenda, one of the most powerful things we can do is cultivate this Spirit-led inner discernment within ourselves.
It takes work and it takes attunement, but when we truly know our own selves, we can begin to recognize manipulation faster. We can more quickly get to those healthy boundaries and we can learn to trust our instincts, that God-given inner alert system, and our spiritual discernment. That's why today's episode is so important.
I'm going to first share with you an excerpt from an old episode. It was actually the first episode of The Best of You Podcast, where I talk about what narcissism really is and the signs to watch for. Then, I'm going to come back in with some commentary about how to protect yourself through doing this inner work.
So whether you've experienced a narcissistic relationship in a church community, in a marriage, or in your own family, or whether you're someone who is troubled by what's going on in the world right now, you feel unsettled and you can't figure out where the truth lies, I hope this episode will help provide some clarity for you.
Not only in what to guard against, in the world around us, but also the incredibly powerful gift God has given us of agency and holy discernment within our own selves. Let's dive in to talk a little bit about “What is narcissism really?”
(See “Episode 1: What Is Narcissism Really?” for transcript)
***
Alison Cook: I want to shift now to talk about some of the specific toxic strategies that narcissists might use in their relationships. Because again, this is about arming yourself with knowledge.
The first one is what's called “love bombing”. You may have heard this term. It means that at the start of the relationship, this person might shower you with intense affection, flattery, and gifts.
They shower you with all the right things to woo you. They might say things like, I've never met anyone like you. I love you so much. You're my soulmate.
They might say these things very quickly. It might even throw you off guard a little bit, but it also feels good. But the problem is that this doesn't gain traction over time. The actions don't line up with the words. You're left with this vague feeling of confusion.
They're saying one thing, but we're not getting any deeper. I'm not seeing how their actions back this up. I'm not sensing any depth to this. This feels really on the surface.
Number two, this word gaslighting gets overused, but can really happen. This is where someone with narcissistic tendencies will try to distort reality. They'll try to make you doubt your own perceptions and your own sanity.
They might say things to you like “That never happened. You're overreacting. It's that you're sensitive. You're the problem”. They try to maintain power by making you question your own memories, your own emotions, your own experience. It's a really effective strategy, because we're human and we're imperfect.
We do sometimes overreact, we do sometimes misremember things. This is why that pattern of behaviors over time is so important to remember. When you're in a new relationship, whether it's a new faith community, whether it's a new friendship, whether it's a new love relationship, whether you're trying to figure out whether to trust someone in leadership, be wise and exercise some caution.
If someone's coming on really strong at the start of a relationship, inside your own Spirit, hold that posture of “actions will speak louder than words”. There's a quote that I love that says, your actions speak so loudly, I can't hear your words.
This is the kind of thing we want to watch for. Your actions speak so loudly, I can't even hear your words, because your actions are telling me everything I need to know. You're doing the things I need. You're showing up with integrity. You're honoring me in actions every single day. That means so much more to me than words. Your actions are speaking loudly. Watch for the actions.
Number three, we talked about this a little bit in Episode 147 with Adam Young, triangulation. Someone who has a very fragile sense of self, who cannot stand in their own inner conviction, will try to triangulate. They'll try to bring in other parties. They might say things to you like, well, my ex never acted like this, or my other friends don't question me in this way, or no one else in our faith community is raising these issues.
They might even be more overt. Like, look at all these followers I have. Look at how many friends I have. Who are you to question me? Someone has to triangulate, to bring in other people, to make themselves feel good. I would be curious about their actions.
When someone is healthy and strong in their own inner conviction, they don't need to rely on that kind of triangulated herd mentality. They know they can say, listen, my actions speak for themselves. I'm not perfect, but my actions speak for themselves. Look at my actions. I don't need to convince you of the truth of my character, of the integrity of my character.
Number four, blame shifting. They'll often shift blame onto others. They'll blame others for their own flaws instead of taking responsibility. “You're the selfish one,” when actually they're the one being selfish. “You have anger issues”, when they're the one who is actually raging out of control. They want to avoid accountability and they're constantly shifting the blame onto you.
Lastly, playing the victim. They flip the narrative to make themselves look like the victim, even when they're the one causing harm. It might sound like this. “After everything I've done for you, this is how you treat me? I was trying to help and now you're attacking me?” They're trying to manipulate emotions and avoid responsibility.
A healthy person can say something to the effect of, I hear you. I get that you're hurt. I understand. They might even take it one step further and say, I'd like to share with you my perspective, because that wasn't my intent. Two things can be true in healthy relationships: I didn't mean to hurt you, and I can honor and validate that this was hurtful.
A healthy person can have that healthy two-way back and forth. They're not constantly playing the victim. Now in church environments, this can take on an even more insidious and subtle approach, with spiritual gaslighting, where someone uses Scripture or religious beliefs to invalidate your concerns.
“Well, you need to pray more. God told me this. So you're actually questioning God”. Someone's hiding behind God to defend their poor behaviors. “You're being rebellious. You're being divisive”. I've heard this one a lot, where there's toxicity in leadership.
Again, there are ways to hear people out and hear their concerns and honor someone's humanity. It doesn't mean, if you're a leader listening, I know this can be hard because sometimes people come to you with complaints and you're like, I'm doing the best I can. You don't have to honor every single complaint someone brings to you as a leader.
Sometimes you can say, “I get it. That's hard. I want to hear you out”, even as you're reckoning with the fact that you've got to lead in this way. But there's always humility at the root of that. You're never trying to gaslight someone else.
Another thing I see, and I hate to name this, but it's true so I'm going to, is this kind of false humility, which is a form of image management. This is so prevalent in our culture today, but we do see it in our church cultures too, where someone wants to appear humble. They want to appear self-sacrificing.
They want to appear deeply spiritual, but they only want to appear that way for public admiration. So this might look like serving very loudly and visibly, while secretly behind closed doors, seeking power or trying to get ahead out of selfish ambition instead of really trying to lift up other people.
Sometimes I see this in the form of people really loudly saying, “I do this all for God's glory. It's only for God”. But really, they like the recognition and loyalty. I'm going to be honest. I'd almost rather our Christian leaders say publicly, something to the effect of “there are parts of me at times that really do look at the numbers and that really do want people to follow me and like my work”.
That's part of being human. I also hope that through my own feeble and complicated human efforts, that somehow the goodness of God would be revealed to people in need of God's love and God's goodness. I tend to be drawn more toward folks who take that posture, where there's that self-awareness of our own human frailties and complexity.
Another way that I'll see some of this narcissism play out in church communities is through shaming and public call-outs, where individuals are called out publicly, in meetings, or even in prayer groups. That gets really insidious, to pressure them into compliance, where there's this kind of gossip.
“Some people in this church are being divisive and we've got to call them out. We've got to hold them accountable”, when in fact those people are really and truly trying to stand up for what's right and what's true and what's good. That person in leadership is simply trying to avoid taking accountability.
It's toxic to faith communities. So how do we protect ourselves from narcissism in our relationships, in our cultures, in our communities? Number one, we have to learn to honor our own God-given instincts. This is to the point of that internal work that we are often talking about on the podcast. If something smells funny, pay attention to that.
Notice that part of you. Get curious about it. It takes some time to learn how to attune to your own inner compass because our own compasses can get out of whack at times. I'll be honest with you. At times, I've had to call a friend and say, I'm really triggered by this behavior, but I'm not sure if it's my own past wounds that are heightened to this particular type of leadership, or if this person is really doing something wrong.
That's number two–get a few trusted advisors to bounce things off of, to help you grow in that holy discernment, to give you that objective take. “I see it too. What you're saying doesn't sound good. I think your instincts are right on”. Or to say, “listen, I hear what you're saying and I get it. I've had a different experience with this person. I found that they can actually take accountability”.
Number three, again, another big part of this inner work is to learn how to differentiate from the approval of others. We've been talking about this a lot recently on the podcast, that when we need external approval at all costs, we set ourselves up for being manipulated by others. It's never right to try to manipulate or exploit or hurt someone.
But our part of the equation is to get really good at being okay with sometimes introducing healthy conflict into a conversation or relationship. Sometimes, I call it “testing the relationship”. Introducing a different opinion, introducing a preference, introducing a question mark. I'm not sure I agree with you on this, or I'm not sure I see it the same way you do. Are you open to hearing my perspective?
You're testing that relationship a little bit, and that takes some core strength, because they might not like it. That person may ghost you. They may try to manipulate you. They may turn away from you, but better to find out on the front end of any new relationship.
So here's the bottom line. The more deeply you know yourself in partnership with God's Spirit, the more intimately you are connected to your thoughts, your emotions, your boundaries, your internal compass that God has given you to help you navigate your way through life, the less vulnerable you will be to narcissistic manipulation.
This isn't just good psychology. This is spiritual wisdom. Proverbs 4:23 tells us, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”. Guarding your heart isn't about building walls or shutting people out. It's about wisdom, discernment, and clarity.
It's about learning to recognize when someone is drawing you into dysfunction versus when someone is inviting you into a true, healthy, deep relationship. When you know yourself, when you tend to your inner world with honesty and care, you become someone who cannot be easily deceived.
You become someone who doesn't fall for flattery, manipulation, or guilt-tripping. You become someone who walks in strength, wisdom, and deep alignment with God's truth. I want to close with Psalm 1:1-3, “Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord and who meditates on God's law day and night”.
Remember, God's law is written on your heart, through the coming of the Holy Spirit. This is what Jeremiah prophesied and Jesus made true in John 14. God's law has been written on your own heart. “That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season. the leaves will not wither. Whatever you do will prosper”.
When we root ourselves in truth and God's wisdom and an honest relationship with our own soul, we become like that strong unshakable tree. We stop being swayed by flattery, fear, or manipulation.