The Anxiety Beneath Perfectionism—Why Trying Harder Won't Set You Free

Do you feel constantly driven to get everything right—to be the perfect partner, parent, worker, or friend? On today's solo episode, Dr. Alison explores the hidden relationship between perfectionism and anxiety, revealing how trying to be perfect is often a disguised way of managing deeper fears.

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You'll discover:

* Why perfectionism is rarely about actually being perfect.

* Dr. Alison's own journey with anxiety, perfectionism, and discovering what's beneath the constant need to perform and please.

* The main ways anxiety cleverly disguises itself.

* The surprising, compassionate question you need to ask yourself when you can’t stop perfecting.

* Practical steps to gently uncover the fears behind perfectionistic behaviors, helping you move toward freedom and connection.

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If you liked this, you’ll love:

• Episode 29: Perfectionism and Proving Your Worth: How to Stop Chasing Approval and Start Living the Life You Actually Want
• ‍Episode 112: Navigating Anxiety—Practical, Compassionate Insights to Recognize and Manage Anxiety

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‍Thanks to our sponsors:

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Music by Andy Luiten/Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik

© 2024 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage without permission from the author. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.‍

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Transcript:

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Alison Cook: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You Podcast. Today's episode is for the part of you that tries really hard to get it all right. You might even say it's trying to get things perfect, whether it's in your work, your relationships, your faith, your parenting, or even just in your image, the way you show up in the world.

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This part of you is compulsively trying to make things perfect. And here's the twist. This part of you might look put together on the outside. It might do a pretty good job of keeping things going, of keeping things looking perfect on the outside, but underneath, these perfecting parts of us are often driven by anxiety.

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Now, I've talked about anxiety on the podcast before, but this isn't your usual take on it today. I want to explore the way anxiety disguises itself, especially through perfectionism. Not necessarily the loud, “Here I am!” perfectionism that you're aware of, but more the subtle kind, the insidious kind, the kind that looks like overworking, people pleasing or just trying to get everything right.

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This is where my own story comes in, and I've got a long history with anxiety, but I began to realize that the roots of my anxiety story started up far before I actually had the experience of feeling anxious. I'm gonna tell you a little bit about my own experience with anxiety and how it disguises itself. 

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Then I'm gonna walk you through what I think is the most important question to ask yourself if you find yourself doing any of these things that masquerade as anxiety. I'm also going to offer you a guided reflection that you can do in real time at the end of today's episode.

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So if you're someone who has ever felt exhausted from trying to do all the things for all the people, trying to just get it all perfect, this episode is for you. 

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Here's the key takeaway that I want you to remember. I'm gonna give this to you right here at the top of the episode. Perfectionism is never about being perfect; it's about trying to manage fear.

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In my own story, I never used to think of myself as an anxious person. I was very productive. I got things done. I knew how to connect with other people. I knew how to keep going, and it took me years to realize that what I called a strong work ethic or responsibility, or you can always count on me, was actually anxiety in disguise. 

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For me, anxiety initially didn't show up as that feeling we often talk about in the psychological sense–a racing pulse or spinning thoughts or even panic, like we're overwhelmed, like the world won't stop spinning around us. It eventually ended up showing that way, but for years it only showed up as different forms of perfectionism.

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It showed up as overworking on all of my papers in graduate school as saying yes to other people when I was dying to say no, as trying to perform my way into feeling connected, feeling accepted, and feeling safe in my communities around me. I remember vividly, during one season when I was working full-time, I was also in graduate school full-time as a student, and one by one my friends had started to move away. 

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Many of them had gotten married, some had started having kids, some had taken different jobs, and increasingly I was isolated in my life, but I wasn't pausing to pay attention to what this shift was doing to the inside of me. I just kept working harder. I just kept coping through taking on more work, through helping more people. 

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And I remember one weekend where this all came to head really vividly. I had a paper due for a class I was taking. It was on the Psychology of Religion. It was a really interesting class, but I was working on this paper, and in the paper I had to describe this cathedral I had visited in town. I was describing this service and the liturgy and the mass and all the details of what that meant to the different people.

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I could not stop perfecting the words. I kept just replacing one word with another word, or one sentence with another sentence, or trying to rearrange paragraphs. I was trying to get the paper to be perfect. It was my way of trying to be perfect. 

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Some people do this with their physical body. Some people do this with their homes or with their cooking. Some people do this with their work in different ways. For me, it was this process of trying to get this paper to be perfect. I began to just barely become aware–something's wrong here. Something's wrong here. 

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There is no such thing as perfect, but I couldn't stop myself. The paper was far beyond good enough, but I couldn't stop myself in that moment. I couldn't stop rearranging words and sentences to get it more perfect. A few days later, after turning that paper in, I had the first of a series of panic attacks. 

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The truth is, anxiety, for years, had been showing up in increasing forms of perfectionism in my work. Because I was disconnected from the anxiety and the fear that was driving that perfectionism, I was disconnected from myself. And the truth is, at the heart of it, I was afraid if I slowed down. What would be left of me if I said no? 

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I would lose the little bits of connection that I still had. If I wasn't perfect, I might be left behind. But all of those things had already happened. I was deeply lonely. I wasn't connecting with other people. But the productivity and the perfectionism and the hyper-responsibility was keeping me from having to face those very normal feelings of grief, of loss, of isolation. 

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All of that perfectionism kept me from connecting with the parts of myself that really needed my attention. It took a series of panic attacks for me to finally face all of that pent up loneliness and sorrow that was underneath all of that perfectionism.

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Here's what I learned through my own experience and through walking so many other people through their own perfectionism. Anxiety is a master of disguise. It often shows up as perfectionism, as control, as people pleasing, as overproducing, as avoidance, or even overachieving. 

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Anxiety is really clever and we don't always understand that it’s underneath all of those behaviors. You might be really great at helping others, you might be really great at always being the responsible one, you might be really great at helping keep the peace through managing other people's emotions. 

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I don't deny that you aren't really good at doing those things, but the question I want you to think about today, as you're listening, is whether there is anxiety underneath some of those  behaviors.

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Let me give you two contrasting examples. You're hosting a dinner party. You want the house to look nice, you want the meal to be delicious. You work hard to get that done, but at a certain point, you're also able to take a deep breath and say, this is good enough. 

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What really matters is the company, is the conversation we're gonna have around the table, is the opportunity to be with people that I really love. If this dish isn't perfect or if this part of the house isn't just right, it's gonna be okay. That's the beauty of good enough. 

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But when you slip into perfectionism, there's an anxious part of you driving you and that shows up more like, “If it's not perfect, it's a complete failure”. You can feel the tension in your body as you work. You're not working from a place of joy, from a place of delight, from a place of overflow. Your work is fueled by that anxious part of you that has to get it just right. 

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Here's the truth about perfectionism. Perfectionism is never about being perfect. It's about trying to keep yourself safe. Safe from the scrutiny of others. Safe from judgment and criticism. Safe from our own inner shame, our fears of being rejected, of being abandoned, of being unworthy, unwanted, or not good enough. 

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But here's the thing. Perfectionism will always keep you disconnected. It keeps you disconnected from yourself, disconnected from other people, and disconnected from God. Again, imagine those two different scenarios. 

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The one where you're planning a dinner party for friends and you know when to say it's good enough, because what I really want is to be with my friends. That's what really matters, and I don't wanna be with the kind of people who wouldn't enjoy coming into my home if it's not perfect. Imagine that kind of freedom. 

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On the other hand, when perfectionism is driving you, you're not even enjoying the time with your friends. You're so worried that they're gonna see something out of place. They're gonna see some dirt in the corner. They're gonna see something that's not quite right, and you're not even able to take a deep breath and enjoy the camaraderie of the moment.

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If you relate to what I'm saying, if there's an anxious part of you driving you toward perfectionism, you know what a dead end road that becomes. There is no perfect–it's an illusion, a mirage. It doesn't really exist. 

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Here's what I want you to know. The surprising antidote to perfectionism is to ask yourself, what am I afraid would happen if I stopped? What am I afraid will happen if I stop editing this email for the 17th time? What am I afraid will happen if I stop cleaning? What am I afraid will happen if I stopped trying to make everyone happy? 

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If I stopped over preparing, over-functioning, and over-performing, what am I afraid might happen? Would I feel the angst of what it feels like to show up as a human being? Would I feel alone, unseen, unworthy?

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When we name these fears, we begin to loosen the grip perfectionism has on our lives because almost always, underneath our compulsive need, is a fear. I'm afraid they'll be mad at me. I'm afraid I'll be alone. I'm afraid I'll look like a fool. And these fears are very real. I don't mean to minimize them.

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Sometimes we face our fears and we realize, I don't even know why I'm afraid of that. That's not real. Sometimes we face our fears and we realize they might be real. I might be in a situation at work or at home or with a family member where I might be criticized if I don't get it just right. 

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These are vulnerable places. These are tender truths, but it's a little bit of a paradox. As you get to the root of the fear underneath your perfectionism, it begins to loosen its grip. As you get to the root of your fear, you can lead yourself through it. It may be that fear is of something that'll never happen. 

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Your kids are gonna be okay. Your spouse isn't going to hate you. Your work colleagues already know that you're putting in more than your fair share, and you can walk yourself through that fear and gently tell yourself the truth.

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In some cases, you'll get to the root of your fear, and you might notice that, yeah, someone might be disappointed. Someone might misunderstand me. Someone might not like what I did or how I decided to show up. And even if that's the case, you will still be okay. 

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You will still be loved, you will still be held by a God who is not evaluating your performance but delighting in your presence. You do not have to be perfect to be loved. You don't need to manage every reaction to stay safe. You just need to be here, present with yourself, with God, with this new understanding of what's going on inside of you. 

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Perfectionism is never gonna get those people to stop feeling or doing or thinking about you, what they're already gonna do, think, or feel. Once you become aware of that fear, you can lead yourself through that situation with healthier boundaries.

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The work is never to perfect your way into belonging or into approval or into someone else's good opinion. That's never the path to take. The path is to reconnect with the part of you that's terrified and to let her know, I'm not gonna leave you alone in this. 

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You are already enough. You are already held by a God who does not need your perfection to earn His love. If you are noticing any of those perfectionistic behaviors driving you, take a minute and ask yourself, what part of me is trying so hard right now, and what would it be like to sit with her and honor her fears in partnership with God?

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I wanna close today with a short guided reflection. You can take a minute if you want, if you're at home or in a place where it's safe to pause what you're doing, and close your eyes and follow along with me as I guide you through these questions.

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You might take a few deep breaths, inhale slowly, and then exhale. And let your body arrive right here in this moment, and just notice, what's one area of your life where you're trying really hard to get it just right. Maybe it's your parenting, maybe it's your spiritual life, maybe it's your work, maybe it's your physical health. 

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Notice that part of you that's working so hard to get it right, and see if you can get curious about her without judgment or criticism. Then ask yourself this question: what am I afraid would happen if I stopped trying to be perfect?

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Just let that question sink in for a moment and stay curious to whatever it is that comes up. 

Maybe you're afraid that everything will fall apart, or that people will finally see who you really are. Maybe you're afraid you'll disappoint someone who's counting on you, or maybe you fear someone else's anger or criticism. 

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Maybe you're afraid that you'll be seen as lazy, selfish, or irresponsible, or maybe you're afraid to feel how tired or lonely you really are. These are all valid fears. Whatever that fear is, just notice it, maybe jot it down. Notice how you feel when that feeling surfaces, and above all, stay curious and compassionate with yourself.

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Take another deep breath as you notice that fearful part of you emerge, and say to that part of you, I see you. I get it. I know you're scared. It's okay. You don't have to hold it all together. You're not alone in this. I am here, and God is here with us too. Together we will find a better way.

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Notice how that fearful part of you responds to your presence, to God's presence, to that feeling of not being alone in this. And then jot down one thing you'd like to do. Maybe name that fear to a friend, or simply honor it in your journal, and check back in with yourself later on today or tomorrow.

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Notice what it's like when you feel that perfectionism starts to take over and what it's like to acknowledge that fearful part. This is where healing begins–when we connect to the fearful part of us with compassion and we begin to gently show up for ourselves more fully, more wholly, more spiritually alive.

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It's okay to feel this fear, but I'm also not gonna let it drive. You're slowly retraining your mind, your body, your spirit, your emotions to trust that you can show up for you. You don't have to be perfect to be safe. You don't have to be flawless to be loved. You are already held just as you are.

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