"I don’t want to be with you anymore,” he said over dinner. “I’ve met someone else.” My client, Tasha, was reeling from the news that her husband wanted a divorce. Over the next few months, her mind spun as she second-guessed every move she’d made in her short-lived marriage and wrestled with how to deal with her grief.
Then, one afternoon, something inside Tasha shifted. She walked into my office, put her head into her hands and started sobbing. Exhausted from mental loops constantly replaying the tape of her marriage, her mind finally let go and the pain she was fighting off rushed to the surface. I sat with Tasha, fully present, joining her in bearing witness to the pain that needed so desperately to be felt and experienced.
Like many people, Tasha initially tried to use logic or bargaining to escape her grief. Analyzing what happened, retracing her steps, wondering “What if?”, or even mentally arguing with the other person or with God are ways parts of us attempt to cope with pain. While these activities can provide some relief, they only go so far. At some point, the only way to truly heal from grief is to move through the pain by fully experiencing it.
You need to gently allow yourself to experience the pain so that true healing can begin.
When your heart is broken—whether a relationship is crumbling, you’ve received a hope-dashing diagnosis, a loved one has passed away, or you’re aching on behalf of a child, friend, or a terrible injustice—you need more than just time. You need a safe place to shift out of left-brain analysis (What went wrong?!) and into right-brain emotion (This hurts!)
Both insight and emotion are important on the road to healing. But, many of us rush to analysis or insight and bypass the painful feelings. We fear that if we let ourselves “go there,” the pain might be too great. The problem is, that when we bypass the pain, it only grows bigger.
Instead, you can set up guardrails to help you experience sadness or heartbreak with intention. These guardrails allow you to honor your pain without becoming overwhelmed by it. They create space for the part of you that is hurting while surrounding yourself with care.
Two Essential Guidelines for Navigating Grief
1. Minimize Unnecessary Stressors
Protect your emotional energy by reducing interactions with people or situations that add stress or cause further hurt. Give yourself permission to step back and create boundaries that support your healing process.
Think of it this way: If you had an open wound, you’d wrap it carefully, rest it, and protect it from harm. Just as you shield a physical wound from harmful elements, you need to do the same for the wound on your heart. For example, here are some things you might want to keep out:
- Unhelpful platitudes or pat answers that minimize your pain
- Unwanted advice you don't need
- Intrusive questions you’re not ready to answer
- Premature encouragement to get on with your life
If you have friends or family members that tread heavily on open wounds, it’s OK to keep your grieving heart protected. That doesn’t mean you have to remove yourself from every social interaction. But it does mean that you need to be very careful about who you choose to confide in. A succinct, “Thanks for asking; I’m taking good care of myself!” is all you need to say to ward off a potentially harmful interaction.
2. Schedule Grief "Check-ins"
Set aside intentional time to experience your grief in a safe and protected way. Whether through journaling, therapy, or quiet reflection, create a space where you can fully process your pain without interruption or judgment.
You might choose to journal every morning or just once a week. Maybe you write your feelings as a prayer, like the Psalmists. Whether it’s 5 minutes or 30, the length doesn’t matter — what matters is keeping your commitment to honor your grief with yourself and with God. Set a timer and choose a safe space. If you're worried about opening a floodgate of emotion, plan to journal before meeting a friend, a trusted group, or a counselor.
If journaling isn't your thing, you might schedule a life-giving activity and use that time to attune to the grieving part of you. It might be listening to music while jogging, cooking, or spending time on a creative project. It could be as simple as taking an evening walk to watch the sunset or planting a garden. What matters most is choosing an activity that helps you honor this grieving part of you.
When you're hurting, block out the toxins, but don’t forget to also let in the nourishment.
As you give your grief the time and attention it needs, tis part of you will begin to heal and integrate. While it may never fully disappear, it can transform into a meaningful part of your inner world. When acknowledged and tended, grief becomes a wise and compassionate teacher. For example:
- Grief teaches you to care for yourself.
- Grief invites you to draw closer to God.
- Grief cultivates compassion within you.
When you tend to your grief, you become a channel of empathy and healing for others. Navigating grief means neither letting it overwhelm you nor shoving it away. Instead, create a safe space where your pain can be heard,honored, and understood — allowing you to heal and make room to rediscover joy.
There's a.... time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:4
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