Conflict is normal in every relationship. In the best of your relationships, inevitably what you need will not match up with what the other person needs. The conflict itself is rarely the issue. However, when you or your loved one starts getting critical, healthy conflict can quickly turn toxic.
For example, if you are an introvert, and your spouse loves to be around people, you may find that your needs don’t always align. Perhaps you need to stay home and decompress after a long week. Your spouse, on the other hand, needs to be around other people in order to recharge.
Or, perhaps you are someone who needs to process your feelings verbally in order to understand what you think. On the other hand, maybe your partner only wants the facts. He keeps cutting you off, and you feel frustrated, as if you’re not being fully heard.
These types of scenarios are normal in any relationship. However, problems arise when you move into criticism. Here are some are examples of how criticism starts to show up:
- You never want to go out with me.
- You are lazy on the weekends.
- You never listen to me.
- You don’t care about my feelings.
These types of "you" statements almost always evoke some form of defensiveness in the other person. They shut the conversation down instead of opening it up to the possibility of a negotiation.
When you start down the road of criticizing your loved one, you’re on a terrible path toward what renowned marriage therapists, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, call “contempt.” And, contempt is one of the most destructive forces to your relationship.
Criticism is never constructive when you are working out the details of a long-term, committed relationship.
The truth is these are legitimate differences within any relationship. These differences do not necessarily mean that one person is doing something wrong. However, it’s incredibly important to get these differences out on the table where both of you can be honest about them without shaming or judging each other.
When Needs Collide
Instead of criticism, what does work is a way of approaching conflicting ideas with a posture of acceptance. This involves is called dialectical thinking. In the field of psychology, dialectical thinking is the ability to bring together competing ideas without judgment and without blame. It’s a skill that is necessary to learn both in terms of how you relate to yourself and how you relate to your loved one.
Dialectical thinking involves two key components:
- The ability to name two different, but valid, feelings or ideas.
- The capacity to honor both without judgment.
Here are some examples of applying dialectical thinking to competing needs within a relationship:
- I want to be social. You want time alone.
- I want to clean and do projects on the weekends. You want to watch TV or go to the movies.
- I want to tell the whole story. You prefer to get to the point.
- I value a discussion of feelings. You like to stick to the facts.
Do you see how each of these statements honors two competing facts without judgment?The truth is that dialectical thinking starts within you. When you are able to face the competing needs within yourself without judgment or self-criticism, it is much easier to honor them in other people.Here are some expression of dialectical thinking in terms of your relationship with yourself:
- I feel sad—and—I don’t want to be a downer.
- I need to get this off my chest—and—I don't want to overwhelm them.
- I am exhausted—and—I want to rally for this occasion.
- I really need time alone—and—I don’t want to disappoint my friends.
Each of these conflicting thoughts is important to acknowledge. Each one is valid. If you can accept these competing feelings within yourself, you are far more likely to communicate effectively to the other person.
Now, consider your loved one. First, consider your competing thoughts about that person. For example, you might feel the following ways:
- I love my husband and I wish he would initiate more conversations with me.
- My mom is great with my kids and I would like her to stop criticizing me.
- My boss is condescending and he gives me amazing opportunities.
- My friend gives me unwanted advice and she’s the one who shows up in a crisis.
Once you are able to accept the facts of the situation, without judgment, then you can begin to negotiate a solution that honors both of you.
