Boundaries & Numbing—How to Set Healthy Limits and Stop Avoiding Your Feelings
Episode Notes
If you’ve ever struggled to set boundaries or wondered why it’s so hard to respect them in others, this episode is for you. We dive deep into how to set and receive healthy boundaries, and why so many of us confuse healthy limits with toxic behaviors. Spoiler: setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for healthy, thriving relationships.
But that’s not all. When our boundaries are shaky, complicated emotions—like guilt, resentment, or anxiety—often arise. And instead of dealing with them, many of us reach for quick fixes: we numb. We avoid confronting those tough feelings that boundaries bring to the surface. Today, I’ll break down why we numb, how to recognize it, and the steps you can take to stop avoiding your emotions and start healing.
This episode covers:
* The difference between healthy boundaries and toxic behaviors
* How to communicate boundaries without guilt or shame
* Practical ways to receive boundaries from others gracefully
* How to recognize when you’re numbing emotions (and what to do about it)
* Why boundaries and emotional numbing are deeply connected—and how to untangle them
You deserve relationships that nourish you, not drain you. This episode will help you understand the power of boundaries and guide you toward emotional freedom.
Resources:
- The Best of You Podcast question form
- DrAlisonCook.com/podcast
- The Best of You by Dr. Alison Cook
- Boundaries For Your Soul by Dr. Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller
If you liked this, you’ll love:
- Episode 36: An Update on My Social Media Detox & How to Create Boundaries With Toxic Distractions, Numbing, & Unhealthy Coping Tactics
- Episode 24: Boundaries, the Spectrum of Toxicity, and a Note About Evil
- Episode 26: How to say "No" to toxicity
Thanks to our sponsors:
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Music by Andy Luiten/Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik
© 2024 Alison Cook. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Please do not copy or share the contents of this webpage without permission from the author. While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.
Transcript:
Alison Cook: Hey everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You Podcast. I'm so glad you're here this week. I have so appreciated the questions you've been leaving in The Best of You Podcast question form. You can find that question form in today's show notes or at DrAlisonCook.com/podcast.
Click on today's episode and you'll find that link if you have questions for me. It is so helpful to read through what you're thinking about, what's on your mind, so that I can think about and prayerfully discern how best to serve you with this podcast. I'm always thinking about how to combine faith-based wisdom and science-backed research from the field of psychology.
I've noticed a theme in some of the questions these past few weeks about two important and connected topics. The first is numbing, and the second is healthy boundaries. And it got me thinking about how these topics overlap, and so I want to address some of those questions today as we discuss both topics.
We all have moments in life when we turn to numbing behaviors. We wanna numb the emotions that we're experiencing. But here's the thing about numbing that occurred to me as I was reading through some of your questions. Oftentimes, those painful emotions that we end up trying to numb are evoked as a result of boundaries issues in our relationships
Here's what I mean by that. Whether we're the ones who need to be more assertive with our boundaries in a relationship, whether it's a relationship with your kids, in your marriage, with your friends, whatever the case may be, that tends to evoke uncomfortable emotions inside of us.
But what's also true is that when other people assert boundaries with us, whether they do that really well, or whether they do that in an unkind or cruel way, which as you'll hear me explain in this episode, I don't actually think is what we mean by the term boundaries. Sometimes boundaries get conflated with toxic behaviors.
But regardless, when someone else sets a boundary with us, whether it's healthy or whether there's a toxic component to how they do it, that also evokes a lot of complicated feelings inside of us.
Relational boundaries really evoke a lot of emotions inside of us. That's why I think boundary setting is so complicated, especially if you're someone who's high in empathy, especially if you're someone who's highly sensitive or intuitive about how other people feel.
This is why I wrote The Best of You, especially for women who are high in empathy and who are very much in tune with the emotions of other people. Because I think it makes boundary setting particularly hard for us. I put myself in that category.
Either way, whether it's because we are struggling with feeling hurt by someone else's boundaries, or we're really struggling because we need to say a healthy no, or we need to reduce our capacity or set a limit in a certain relationship, or even within an organization, numbing those emotions isn’t helpful, but it is often what we do.
Today we're going to explore how to manage the discomfort that comes with other people's boundaries, how to discern between healthy limits and harmful behavior, and finally, how to make wiser choices when we notice those uncomfortable emotions surfacing.
So let's start with boundaries, because whether we're setting them or receiving them, boundaries stir up sometimes painful, always uncomfortable emotions. Laura wrote in, and I thought this was such a great question, Laura. Thank you for taking the time to write. You wrote this:
“You speak a lot on how to set boundaries with people, but it could be interesting and helpful to learn how to respect boundaries that others have placed on you without being offended”.
I love this question, Laura. I love the honesty in it. There is so much truth in what you're saying. So often when other people set boundaries with us, we can feel that offense. We might feel hurt. We might feel annoyed. We might feel indignant. How dare they? We might feel rejected. There's so many feelings that can stir up inside of us.
When someone else says no, states a limit, backs out of something, that can be really uncomfortable for us. So I love that you're highlighting this, Laura. And what I love about it is this: if we want to be people who are setting healthy boundaries with others, we do have to do our own work with those emotions that we feel when other people might set a healthy boundary with us.
This all comes down to learning how to untangle the knots of those uncomfortable emotions. So to answer your question, Laura, I want to turn to the framework that I lay out in I Shouldn’t Feel This Way–how to name, frame, and brave those internal reactions to other people's boundaries.
Before we get there, it is so important to distinguish between two kinds of boundaries. The first is a healthy boundary. A healthy boundary is a clear, respectful, and yes, sometimes assertive communication of a personal limit.
It's about protecting your wellbeing while maintaining mutual respect in a relationship. A healthy boundary is inherently respectful. It's rooted in self-awareness and self-respect and consideration for others. A healthy boundary is calm. It might be assertive and confident, but it's not confrontational.
It's not trying to make a point. It's not trying to belittle you. It's not about insulting you. It's about calmly stating a need that I have. It focuses on what I need in this situation and what I'm feeling in this situation instead of blaming or attacking you.
So here's an example of a healthy boundary. I need time to myself after work to unwind, so I won't be able to talk on the phone or take phone calls in the evening hours. That's a simple statement of, this is what's true for me.
Another example of a healthy boundary: I really value our friendship, but I've got so much on my plate right now. I'd love to get together later this week, later this month, later this year, whatever feels right when I have some bandwidth.
You're taking ownership of the fact that your need is to step back. Now that can be really hurtful for the other person. We're going to get to that, but you're not saying anything cruel or selfish or mean. There's a statement of need in that.
Another example of a healthy boundary is, someone says, I'd love to help you out with your nonprofit or with your ministry needs. I'd love to help you out with this need that you have. And I can't do it right now. I really hope you find some people who can give you the support that you need. So there's not even really an excuse there. I can't serve in this way. I can't do it. That's a healthy boundary.
Now on the other hand, an unhealthy boundary, and this really isn't even a boundary, I think these are examples of toxic behaviors. These are actually attacks. This is when boundaries get weaponized, when somebody uses a boundary as a weapon to try to hurt someone else or try to go on the attack.
It's often reactive or aggressive. It's often controlling, manipulative, and designed to be hurtful. It's not inadvertently hurtful. It's trying to hurt someone under the guise of a boundary. So instead of communicating a need, an unhealthy boundary tries to exert power over the other person or blame the other person for how you feel.
The purpose of an unhealthy boundary isn't to protect my own emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. It's in fact, to try to control, punish, manipulate, hurt someone else. And that's not actually a boundary.
Again, these are toxic behaviors, but oftentimes they show up under the guise of a boundary. Here are some examples of these unhealthy boundaries. If you were to say to someone, you're always interrupting me and I can't stand being around you anymore. That's hurtful. That's an attack. That's saying there's something wrong with you, therefore, I'm not into this anymore. That's an attack on you.
If there's really truth in that, a healthy version of that might be to say to someone very calmly, maybe you take some time with your own emotions, and you go to that person and you say, I noticed that when we're talking, I don't always get to finish my thoughts.
I'd love it if we could please be really careful to ensure that we're both able to fully express ourselves during the conversation. What if we each take turns? Because we both get excited. What if we are really careful to take turns. Maybe we even set a timer.
Here's another example of an unhealthy boundary that's really all about control. If you don't cancel your plans and come to my event, I'm going to be really hurt, and I don't know if we're going to stay close after that.
There's a threat there. You're trying to control someone else's behavior, trying to manipulate them with a threat of removing your affection for them. Again, a healthy boundary in this case would be to say, I'm so bummed you can't come, but I completely understand. You're acknowledging that you're hurt, but you're not putting it on the other person.
Finally another example of an unhealthy boundary. If you're having a hard conversation and you say something like, I'm done talking to you. This is over. If you don't agree with me right now, if you don't stop right now. This is over. You never listen anyway. I'm done. This is an extreme shutting down of a conversation.
A healthy boundary might be to say something like, we're getting heated. I can tell I'm getting agitated. I need a few minutes. I need to calm down before continuing this conversation. A healthy boundary takes personal responsibility, takes ownership. It doesn't put it on the other person.
To answer your question about how to respect other people's boundaries, it does involve some discernment about what you're feeling in response to the boundary that's been set. I want to talk you through that very practically using the three step process I lay out in I Shouldn’t Feel This Way. This is the three step process for navigating our own emotions, these emotions that come up in this case in response to someone else's boundary.
Number one, the first thing is to name it. What am I feeling? I got this text. I got this phone call. I got this email, and I don't like how I feel. Notice that inside your own self first. Name what's hard. Start with yourself. I say over and over again, we're not going to react to the other person. We're going to notice, man, I'm feeling offended.
And that's an okay thing to feel. The fact that you feel offended isn't the problem. It's what you do with that feeling that could become a problem. So the fact that you feel offended at someone else's boundary is something to notice initially. I feel offended. I wonder what that's about.
Get curious about it. Maybe you feel angry. I'm really angry. How dare they set this boundary with me when I've been bending over backwards to show up for them! That's another feeling. It's a normal feeling to feel when someone sets a boundary with us. We don't like it. These are feelings we need to notice and name.
We don't need to exile them. We don't need to shove them aside. We need to be honest with ourselves and with God about what the boundary stirs up inside of us. Maybe we feel guilt. Oh, I must've done something wrong. That's why they set that boundary. I must be a terrible person. Maybe shame gets stirred up.
That often happens when someone else sets a boundary with us. Oooh, there must be something wrong with me. The whole purpose of the name, frame, brave framework is that we don't know yet what those emotions mean, but we do need to honor them.
What I feel when someone else sets a boundary with me is shame. I feel like I'm the problem. I feel like I did something wrong. The feeling of being offended, that feeling of anger, that feeling of shame, these are really common emotions that we feel when other people set boundaries with us. So we're naming that. We're getting curious about that.
Isn't that interesting? This is what I feel inside. And then we've got to move into that second step, the frame it. We've got to frame what actually happened. We have to take some time. We have to create that pause, that place in between, to get curious about what really happened. We have to discern. What actually happened?
If you think about that word offended, when we are offended, we feel like somebody has wronged us. We feel like somebody has disrespected something we stand for or disrespected our personhood. It can feel like somebody has demeaned us, belittled us. It can feel like somebody has rejected us. Again, these are all feelings that we have to discern.
Did that actually happen? Maybe that person did do something offensive. To feel offended is the correct emotion in that situation. Maybe the person did reject us. The fact that we feel rejected actually makes sense, but maybe they didn't.
So often our emotions are a combination of what's happening in the present moment, right in front of us, and what's happened to us 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago, all of our past wounds, all the times we've been rejected, hurt or offended, all get intertwined with what's happening in the present moment.
So we have to give ourselves a minute as we frame it and ask ourselves, what are the facts? What really happened? What did they actually say? How did they actually say it? What was the tone of it? What do I know to be true about this person's character? Have they been consistently hurting me over time? Is there a pattern here or does this feel really out of character?
Maybe something else is going on. We have to really think about it. Now, the key question when you're feeling offended is, did they actually do something wrong and would an objective third party think that they actually did something wrong? And this is where we all need really good friends to help us discern what we feel when someone else sets a boundary with us.
When someone else says, no, I can't do that. Or somebody else even lets us down in a relationship. We need those really good friends who will say, I get why that hurts. I get why you feel the way you do, and, I don't think that person did anything wrong. I think they're bumping up against their own limitations. It hurts and I get it and that's hard and I'm here for you in that hurt.
I don't think you can blame that other person in this. I think they did the best they could. I think they're genuinely dealing with their own limits. That's a really good friend who can help you discern that.
So when we're framing it, we're trying to figure out, did that person actually do something wrong? Or were they stating a healthy limit? And yes, it hurts. Yes, I feel rejected, but they didn't do anything wrong. And when we frame it in that way, we're going to brave those uncomfortable feelings differently.
Let's say you're somebody who's inclined towards shame. When someone sets a boundary with you, you feel like a terrible person. Same kind of principle applies. What are the facts? Did I actually do something wrong? Was I being insensitive to them? Was I interrupting all the time? Did I in fact expect more of them than maybe was fair or maybe more than they promised?
Can I face that and go, ooh, that hurts to see that. I wish I hadn't done that, but I'm also not a terrible person. I'm a good friend. I'm a good spouse. I'm a good parent. And I sometimes make mistakes. So we have to reframe that. If you're someone who's inclined towards shame, you have to really look at the facts.
I don't like it that this person had to speak up about this. It induces shame. And it doesn't mean I'm a terrible person. It means I'm human and maybe I made a mistake or maybe I had a blind spot there. That is such an important skill to be able to bring into relationships, to be able to see our own stuff.
We have to be able to sit with the pain of that and simultaneously keep the shame at bay because shame doesn't help. It doesn't help us go, yeah, I'm sorry. I have been jumping in a lot in our conversations. I need to listen better. It doesn't lead us to that healthier conclusion.
It might even be that nobody did anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. They didn't do anything wrong. They can't meet that need or that expectation that you have. And it's not because you did anything wrong. It's because we're humans and that person can't show up for me. That happens.
So we really have to do that work of framing when it comes to other people's boundaries. What really happened here? Did they do something wrong? Were they hurtful? Were they harmful? Were they being cruel, controlling, or manipulative? Or were they setting a healthy boundary and I've got to deal with that?
I can feel what I feel, but I can't take it out on them. I can't blame them for that. Or we have to ask ourselves, did I do anything wrong? Maybe I didn't do anything wrong. I was being myself and that person said no, or can't do that thing I want them to do.
So I've got to learn how to grow resilience. Sometimes that hurts, but I didn't do anything wrong. They're not doing anything wrong. We're not lining up or aligning on this particular issue or in this particular situation. It doesn't mean that anything wrong or bad has happened.
Sometimes it might mean I did do something wrong and I actually need to honor and respect the boundary and their limitations. And I need to grow and learn and change. And this gets a little bit into the distinction I make in I Shouldn’t Feel This Way about false guilt and true guilt.
Did I actually do something wrong or am I feeling guilty when in fact I am not to blame? It's such an important distinction if you're somebody who struggles with self-blame and self-shame.
Finally, we get into braving. So now we've owned the emotions that we feel. We've framed them. We've discerned what really happened. And now we can take the next brave step. If you're feeling offended or hurt, but the other person didn't actually do anything wrong, that's what I like to call clean grief. We can grieve it. We can say, oh, I didn't like it. That hurt.
When someone sets a healthy boundary with us, it can cause that temporary emotional discomfort, especially if we're not used to hearing no, or if we expected more than that other person can give us. And it hurts, but it's rooted in our own disappointment, our own unmet expectations.
It's not because they actually did something wrong. The pain in those situations comes from realizing that people have limits and that's disappointing. The brave path in this situation is to honor the part of you that feels bummed out, that feels disappointed, that is aware that, man, people do let us down.
Even the best of people. Honor that. And also be really clear with the other part of you that they didn't do anything wrong and I'm going to respect them. This is the magic of the “two things can be true” reframe.
We take a deep breath. We open our palms to God and we say, God, two things are true here. I'm disappointed and they didn't do anything wrong. And, there's this beauty of surrender here. It's a really spiritual practice of surrendering the both-and. I'm disappointed, and, they didn't do anything wrong.
I've got to let this go. Two things can be true. Now, if you're dealing with a situation where the other person was cruel, was manipulative, was trying to control you, you might feel a more complicated set of emotions, including betrayal, anger, or deep emotional pain, which arises because the person's actions or words are intended to belittle, control, or hurt you.
They're calling it a boundary, but really they're being cruel and that cruelty adds a whole layer of toxicity to what you're feeling inside. When someone is cruel, it feels personal. It feels intentional. It was designed to attack you. It's not based on mutual respect or healthy communication.
So you feel betrayed. And in this case, you might feel offended because there was in fact an offense. if you're feeling those betrayal emotions, you're going to need to brave a more significant path of talking about it with someone, letting other people into the complexity of those emotions, maybe seeing a therapist, maybe talking to a really good friend so that you can untangle the knots of those emotions
That's going to take more time and attention to heal from when there's actually been a betrayal. So that was a long-winded answer to your question, Laura, but the answer to that question, how do we not feel offended when other people set boundaries with us, begs this larger process of why am I feeling offended?
What actually happened? Did they do something wrong? Or do I need to work with God to release these uncomfortable feelings that are normal, but really aren't reflective of what actually happened?
This whole conversation about complicated feelings leads into several questions that I got about numbing. We are so inclined to numb when we get hit with any of these uncomfortable emotions.
I got questions from Haley, from Sierra, from Emily, all about struggling with numbness. Now, there are a lot of reasons that we numb. Sometimes there's more chronic numbness with almost a dissociative quality that we've learned how to do as a result of deep trauma.
Sometimes we are numbing on a more day to day basis. Ooh, I don't like what I'm feeling, so I am going to check out. In my book Boundaries For Your Soul, we describe the three categories of the parts of the soul. It's based on the internal family systems, the IFS model, that there are three categories of parts.
The second category of parts are protective parts. Richard Schwartz, the founder of the model, calls them firefighters. Why are these parts of us called firefighters? It's because they get active after the flame of pain surfaces. These parts of us detect pain. They detect complicated feelings. They detect anger. They detect that betrayal that we were talking about.
And their job is to put the flames of that pain out, no matter what. And these are the parts of us that immediately reach for the Netflix binge. They reach for the potato chips. They reach for the food. They reach for the scrolling. Scrolling is such a fast and quick way to numb out, to douse those emotions with whatever is at our easiest disposal.
These are parts of every single one of us. We all have these firefighter parts of us. That is their job. They detect pain and they check us out. Now, when they get extreme, they can go for booze. They can go for drugs. They can go for self-harming behaviors like cutting. They can become addicted. They can turn into sex addictions, drug addictions.
They can get really extreme, but they also are parts of us that on any given day are like, I don't want to feel this way and this bag of potato chips or this binge watching shows for six hours tonight after work is the path I'm going to take. I'm going to take that path because I do not want to sit here and face the uncomfortable emotions inside of me.
Doing the work of facing our uncomfortable emotions can be hard at times. We don't want to do it. I want to let you know, there is no shame in these numbing parts of us, especially if there's been trauma. These are parts of you that have helped you to survive. They've helped you to survive more pain than you could tolerate.
You didn't know how to tolerate this kind of pain, especially as a kid. You learned how to drown it out with whatever was at your disposal. That's what these parts of you do. They're survival parts. They're protective.
They're protecting you from too much pain. So if you've got a long history of numbing, that's something you want to work through with a trained therapist. This IFS model can be really helpful in working with these firefighter parts because they're there for a reason. They're trying to protect you from feeling too much pain.
Here's the thing about numbing on a more day to day level. If you notice, man, I'm just, I'm not wanting to face myself. I'm not wanting to journal. And this is usually what happens with most people–they notice the numbing behaviors first, they don't notice the painful emotions. Because the numbing behaviors are doing their job.
This happens to me. I was talking about it on last week's episode with Chuck DeGroat, Episode 123. We were talking about how we'll go days checked out. I will notice those behaviors before I notice what's underneath them. Because the job of those numbing behaviors is to keep us from painful emotions.
Almost always what I will do when I begin to notice myself checking out, is scrolling more than usual, binge watching, avoiding myself, essentially not journaling, not wanting to pray. Because I don't want to deal with it. When I notice that, I have to take a deep breath and show myself, I'm checking out because this is hard.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to wade through the complicated mix of emotions that I'm feeling. I don't want to wade through the fear, the heartache, the sadness, the anger. I don't want to wade through these feelings that this situation has stirred up inside of me.
I start there. That is the lowest hanging fruit of dealing with numbing. It's befriending those numbing parts of us. Isn't that interesting? I watched Netflix for four hours without thinking about it. I wonder what that's about. It starts that simply. Isn't that interesting? I'm eating a lot of sugar right now. I wonder what's going on.
That simple act of getting curious, of noticing, brings a little bit of your prefrontal cortex online. It brings another part of your brain online. It's a healthy differentiation. I'm aware that I'm doing this thing.
It puts even a paper's width distance between you and the numbing behavior. Oh, this is what's happening. That's naming. And naming is the opposite of numbing. Naming is the opposite of numbing. You don't have to get right into the deep heart emotions initially, especially when you're noticing the numbing behaviors.
Name that you're numbing. This is what's happening. That's what I'm doing. God, help me. Help me take a deep breath and bravely face whatever it is that's going on. And then maybe take the next step. I need to start to journal. I don't want to face what I'm feeling. God, I wonder what that's about.
Start with the lowest hanging fruit. When you start to name numbing behaviors, you give yourself a fighting chance of actually facing the emotions that are underneath them. Now listen, I go through numbing in depth in chapter six of I Shouldn’t Feel This Way. But please hear me say right now in the context of boundaries, either setting them or receiving them in the context of deep pain–numbing parts of us are not your enemies.
They are parts of you that are trying to help, and shaming yourself for the numbing never helps. Get curious about it, naming it gently but honestly–this is what's happening. This is what I'm doing. That is a brave step in itself. So start with naming, noticing without shame, without criticism.
And slowly you'll start attuning gently to the beautiful intricacies of your mind, of your heart, of your body. And you'll start to learn as you start to name the numbing and you begin to notice the uncomfortable emotions. You will start to learn what actually brings you comfort or relief, what brings you actual peace or delight.
Here's the thing for those of you who have these very skilled numbing parts of you. It's not that we want to rip the bandaid off. It's that we want to gently learn how to face the hard emotions, while trusting ourselves that we can keep ourselves safe, that we can give ourselves the actual good things that our souls need in partnership with God's spirit.
When you name your numbing behaviors and the painful emotions that lie underneath them, you come alive to yourself and to God and to the wonder all around you. You start to feel again. And it's such a beautiful process. You become empowered to set the healthy boundaries that you need and to honor the disappointment that we all feel at the hands of others,
You start to nourish a beautiful symphony of feelings inside yourself. You start to learn what brings you joy, what brings relief, what brings play and how to soothe yourself in healthy ways.