episode
83
•
Emotions

How to Turn Anger, Sadness, and Fear Into Powerful Allies

Episode Notes

Most people feel anger, sadness, or fear at some point during the day. It's normal to feel these emotions. The question is, what will you do when they show up: Will you let them sabotage you? Or will you turn them into your allies?In today's episode, I teach you the skills you need to turn these feelings into your allies so that you can experience more joy and healthier boundaries.

‍

Here's what we cover:

1. The #1 question to ask yourself (6:38)

2. How anger is trying to help (6:53)

3. What to do when you feel sadness (11:03)

4. An illustration from one of my favorite movies (15:11)

5. Why we need fear (19:41)

6. A powerful exercise to use at any time (29:00)

‍

Thanks to our sponsors:

Music by Andy Luiten

Sound editing by Kelly Kramarik

While Dr. Cook is a counselor, the content of this podcast and any of the products provided by Dr. Cook are not specific counseling advice nor are they a substitute for individual counseling. The content and products provided on this podcast are for informational purposes only.

‍

Resources

‍

Transcript

‍

Alison Cook: Hey everyone. Welcome back to this week's episode of The Best of You Podcast. This is our last episode of 2023. We hit the ground running again the first week of January. 

‍

So we want to hear from you before we move into 2024. We want to know what content you've appreciated, what content you want more of, what you're dying for me to talk about that we haven't talked about yet, what guests to interview, so we've created a survey. I'd be so grateful if you would just take two to three minutes to click on the survey link–it's in the episode show notes, or you can go to the episode page on my website, DrAlisonCook.com/podcast, you'll find the link there. 

‍

When you fill that out, we are going to give five randomly selected participants a free copy of The Best of You as well as Boundaries for Your Soul. So five of you will get a copy of each book, The Best of You and Boundaries for Your Soul, as our way of saying thank you for taking just a couple of minutes to fill out the survey. 

‍

Again, you can find that survey in the episode notes of this episode, wherever you listen to it, whether it's on Apple or Spotify, or you can go to my website, DrAlisonCook.com/podcast, and you'll find the link under the episode show notes there.

‍

We would be so grateful to hear from you as we seek to serve you through this podcast with the best resources available, bringing together spiritual wisdom with practical tools from psychology.

‍

Today's episode is the last episode in our series on Five Steps to Navigating Overwhelming Emotions. You've learned how to focus on an unpleasant emotion. You've learned how to befriend those emotions. You've learned how to invite God to be with you in the experience of an emotion. You've learned how to unburden painful emotions in last week's episode.

‍

Today I want to talk about how we bring it all together. How do we integrate those emotions into the rest of our lives? Because here's the thing–those emotions are trying to help. Each emotion that you experience is a clue; it has information for you about how to make a change or make a decision or something.

‍

You need these emotions, once you focus on them, befriend them, invite God to be with them, and unburden them, so they can become your allies on your journey toward wholeness. They help you become a more effective decision maker. They help you set healthier boundaries. They help you care for yourself. They help you to forge healthier connections with other people. 

‍

So today we're going to walk through THREE of the most common emotions, and how each one might be a cue that you need to make a subtle shift in your life, especially here at the holidays. I want you to pay attention. If you've been experiencing any of these emotions, you can make just a subtle change that will help you find just a little more peace, a little more joy, a little more groundedness this holiday season.

‍

So I want to start today with the emotion of anger. The reason I want to start with anger is that it's often one of the first emotions that we notice. Anger has a lot of cousins. It doesn't always show up as just red hot rage, although sometimes it does. There's a lot of different permutations to how anger shows up. 

‍

For example, anger can show up as just irritability, maybe a sense of annoyance with others, where you just feel negative toward yourself or others. It can show up as judgmental or overly critical feelings toward yourself or others, where there's just a little bit of an edge. 

‍

Another way it might show up is as resentment; you start to resent the very people that you're actually trying to serve this holiday season, you start to resent the very people you're trying to please. 

‍

So anger as a broad emotion has a lot of ways that it shows up. From one extreme of lashing out, yelling, being verbally abusive to other people, all the way to more internalized anger that can show up as frustration, irritability, or hypercriticism. 

‍

If you are noticing any of those manifestations of anger, that's your cue to work the five steps to focus on it. Isn't it interesting that I feel so critical of that other person? I'm going to focus on that for a second. I'm going to pay attention to that. Or I'm just so bitter about my work. I just noticed a lot of bitterness. I need to look at that bitterness to focus on it and see what's going on there.

‍

Then you have to befriend it. Right away. It's there for a reason. I don't have to beat myself up for feeling this way. What's going on? What's that about? Invite God into that experience. Ask God to be with you. As you begin to unpack that emotion, unburden any messages that might be there all the way back from the past.

‍

Things like, everyone always lets me down. No one ever gives me a break. Notice those messages, pay attention to those messages. As you do this work of engaging with that emotion of anger, of journaling on behalf of it, maybe talking to a friend on behalf of it, I want you to ask yourself this clarifying question.

‍

How is my anger trying to help? Just begin to think about that. How is this emotion trying to help? And notice what comes to mind.

‍

Here are some examples of the ways that anger might actually be trying to get your attention to help you. It might be trying to protect you from danger. It may be that you're feeling all of that negative energy because you're in a situation that's not safe, and you actually need to do something to protect yourself.

‍

It may be that you're letting people walk all over you. The fact that you're feeling angry inside is actually a cue that you need to set some healthier boundaries. You might need to speak up for yourself. You might need to get more assertive with a friend, with your family, with work.

‍

You might need to say, guys, I'm overwhelmed. I need to get some things off my plate. Could you help me? You might need to have a hard conversation. Maybe somebody has hurt you, so you're just noticing that cynicism or that bitterness fester. Instead of beating yourself up for that, you might need to let that be a cue that you're going to have to brave that hard conversation. Maybe it's an opportunity to say to your family, let's set some boundaries around gift giving this year, or I'm going to focus on giving the gift of quality time this year. So you take command of something that you can actually do to bring a little bit of change into the situation. 

‍

Anger, when we focus, befriend, invite, unburden, then integrate, is mobilizing. It helps us take action and create change that is good for us. If it's good for you, I promise you, it is also going to be good for the people around you. When you say yes to God, yes to your own health–even when that means saying no to some of the things around you, you are honoring God. You are also honoring the people around you.

‍

Even when they're disappointed. 

‍

Okay. So look at anger as an opportunity to set some healthy boundaries, to assert yourself, to use your voice, to speak up for something that will help you take command of your own health this holiday season. It could be around food. It could be around gifts. It could be around conversation topics. 

‍

There's so many ways you can speak up on behalf of yourself to give yourself the gift of agency at the holidays where you have some choice. You are not only at the mercy of the people around you, of all the expectations around you. So anger, when befriended, can become an emotion that helps you establish healthier boundaries. 

‍

Next, I want to look at sadness or hurt. This is often the other side of anger. Often our anger surfaces when another more vulnerable part of us is really hurt. Maybe you're hurt that no one is actually noticing your needs this holiday season. No one's coming alongside you saying, hey, how can I help you? 

‍

Maybe you're hurt that a friend seems to be ignoring you or disregarding you this holiday. Maybe you've been hurt by a family member. You're angry on one hand, but on the other hand, you're really hurt, and you don't know what to do with that feeling.

‍

Maybe you're sad because of a loss. We talked about this in Episode 80. You've experienced loss and the holidays are pushing on that bruise where you're feeling that loss very keenly this holiday season. Sadness and the hurt that you feel is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of your deep capacity to love and to connect with other people. It's an emotion we want to honor. 

‍

Oftentimes we want to bring in that emotion a little bit closer so that we can get curious about what we really need. So if you're noticing sadness or hurt, work on those steps of focusing on it, befriending it, inviting God into your experience of that sadness of that hurt, and then unburdening any pain that feels like it's from the past, that feels like it's interwoven with messages that aren't helpful to you.

‍

And then let's find a way to integrate that sadness into your experience of the holiday season. I want to give you some examples of this because it's really powerful. 

‍

Sadness reminds you of your need for others and for God. It helps you become aware of needs that you have, of places where you're tender, that you need to receive care. It helps you develop empathy. It helps you come alongside others in beautiful ways, and it also helps you speak the truth about your story and about some of the hardships you're facing. Which helps you create more authenticity in your relationships. 

‍

Here's the thing though, if you don't honor sadness, if you try to exile it, it can get really big and it can lead to feelings of being invisible or worthless, or it can lead to feelings of fatigue or insecurity.

‍

So you want to notice that sadness and let it inform you. Again, I want you to ask yourself a question. If you're noticing any of the manifestations of sadness this holiday season, I want you to ask yourself, how is sadness trying to help? What does it need you to know? Look at sadness as a wise advisor. How is it trying to inform you this holiday season?

‍

Maybe it needs a safe place for you to grieve a loss. It needs you to carve out time with a trusted friend or with a counselor, with a small group where you can let them know what you're dealing with. Maybe it needs validation that it's okay for you to feel sad that what you're dealing with is hard and that it's okay that you don't have a quick fix.

‍

Maybe it needs a gentle boundary to be reminded that yes, while some things are hard, there are also some things that are good and you can hold both side by side.

‍

***Music Break***

‍

To give you an example, we just watched the movie Good Will Hunting again. I hadn't watched it in years. and there's a couple of powerful scenes in that movie, but one in particular where the main character, Matt Damon's character, unburdens a hurt from the past with Robin Williams' character, who plays the role of his therapist in the movie.

‍

If you've seen that movie, there's a powerful moment where Matt Damon is talking about the abuse from his past and the pain of it.He's very rational and Robin Williams keeps saying to him, it wasn't your fault. and Matt Damon's character keeps replying, I know it wasn't my fault.

‍

Robin Williams keeps pushing in because what he senses is that a part of him is still carrying the weight of that pain. And sure enough, as he pushes in and pushes in, pretty soon, Matt Damon's character is just sobbing and letting Robin Williams love him and honor the pain with him in that moment. 

‍

He has a release and unburdening where he's no longer carrying the weight of all that pain alone in that moment. He's brought the force of all that emotion to the surface with someone who loves him and who cares about him, and he's unburdening the excess baggage, the excess weight of that pain.

‍

There's a moment of release. And that moment of release frees him to then make changes in his life. So pretty soon we get to the end of the movie, spoiler alert, and he's finally able to make a decision where he leaves his old neighborhood. He leaves his past behind and he takes a brave step to claim a different future.

‍

The ending of that movie is so profound because it embodies the both-and of sadness and joy. He unburdens that hurt, he unburdens that pain. There's a departure at the ending of the movie where he says, “I got to go find a fuller, more whole expression of my life and my talents and of the gifts God has given me”.

‍

That means I have to leave my childhood neighborhood. And that's both sad and also incredibly joyful. What I love about that ending is, it is a happy ending in a way, but it's a true ending because so often when you're dealing with hurt or you're dealing with pain, joy is right around the corner. There's something there for you. 

‍

Maybe there's a hurt that you experienced long ago that makes the holidays hard for you. Maybe it's hard for you to gather with your family this holiday season. But as you unburden that hurt and you share what's hard with someone who loves you, something amazing happens. That thing that was hard becomes an avenue for deeper connection and that deeper connection with someone who loves you and cares for you in your present life leads to an experience of joy.

‍

Sadness and joy are intimately linked in that way when you look at sadness and you face it and you honor it and you unburden it with someone who loves you and you share that heartache with them, it's amazing what happens. You find connection. Sometimes you end up laughing together.

‍

Sometimes creativity sparks and you decide to do something to honor that loss together. Maybe you decide to do something completely different on Christmas day, because you can't figure out how to do the thing that everybody wants you to do. Maybe you end up getting creative to find new ways to celebrate the holidays as you honor what's also sad.

‍

For example, maybe you spend some time volunteering or spending time with folks who are hurting. There's sometimes solidarity in reaching out to be with others who are hurting at the holidays where you don't feel alone, or maybe you get creative and create a game or a scavenger hunt or eat different foods or make plans to see different people that you don't usually see on the holiday, just to shake things up a little bit and open up new pathways.

‍

Once you honor sadness and share it with someone who loves you, you'll be surprised at the way that creativity starts to pop and you start to see ways to create moments of joy, even as you honor the sadness.

‍

Finally, let's talk about fear. Fear is a pervasive emotion. It's arguably the most primal, most pervasive of all emotions. It's that racing heart when you're about to give a big presentation. It's that pit in your stomach when you have to have a hard conversation. It can turn into anxiety if it gets really big.

‍

Here's the thing about fear. It's also trying to help. Fear can alert you to real threats that you need to get strategic about facing. Sometimes fear is telling you something that you need to know. Hey, you need to have a plan because when you spend time with this family member, things don't always go well. They're inevitably going to hurt you. How are you going to respond? What are you going to do? So fear can be really helpful in alerting you to slow down and create a plan for an unsafe situation. 

‍

Fear can also just be a reminder of your vulnerability. You might fear someone's rejection. You might fear that if you disappoint someone, they'll reject you. You might fear that if you don't get things perfectly, people are going to laugh at you or shame you. Fear is so pervasive. It drives so much of what we do. and so it's so important. 

‍

Again, if you notice fear, if you notice that pit in your stomach, or you notice that feeling of holding back or wanting to play small or wanting to play it safe, or maybe you just notice the ways that fear manifests as incessant people pleasing, or perfectionism, or constant internal chatter, overthinking, not being able to get things done. 

‍

Because you're just analyzing and analyzing, trying to figure out the perfect way so that no one will ever be mad at you. That's another way fear shows up. It is so important if you're noticing that to focus on that feeling, name it. Oh my gosh, that's fear. I'm afraid. I'm terrified of making that person mad. I'm afraid of getting it wrong and making a fool of myself. I'm afraid to make a change because what if I don't have what it takes?

‍

Befriend that feeling. It's okay that it's there. It's there for a reason. We don't have to fix it. We don't have to make it go away. Just notice it and befriend it. Invite God into your experience of fear. God, I'm frightened. I want to be wise. I'm also scared. Help me in that fear.

‍

Unburden the fear. Remind yourself that you are beloved and that no one can take that away from you. Even if you do disappoint someone, even if someone does get mad at you, even if you don't get it perfectly, you are going to be okay because you're a beloved child of God and no one can take that away, even if the worst thing happens, you are going to be okay, 

‍

So you unburden that fear, and then you allow that fear to inform your decision-making, but you don't let it drive, you don't let it lead you. Again, you ask yourself this powerful question, how is fear trying to help? It's not maybe using the best strategies, but it's there for a reason. It's trying to help. 

‍

So often, what fear needs from you is your validation, number one, just your non-shaming presence. It's hard. Yes, that, I get it. Yes, that is scary. You're right. It is hard. And it also needs you to lovingly remind it of the truth of God's power. Oftentimes, we have to negotiate with our fear a little bit.

‍

Maybe you want to set a really extreme boundary. You wish you could just go to a different place for Christmas and avoid everybody. Your fears, they're going, you can't do that. Everyone will be mad at you. 

‍

Fear in that case is actually helping you be reasonable. Let's negotiate internally. Let's think about a way that we can honor other people and simultaneously honor ourselves. So maybe you end up coming up with a hybrid solution where you spend half of Christmas day with your family, but you carve out an hour or two hours to just do something that you want to do for yourself.

‍

Or maybe you're worried about all the people you might disappoint this holiday and you're fearful of just losing love. That is such a big fear for so many of us. We are hardwired for connection. So many of us have those attachment wounds, where we just can't bear the thought of hurting someone and losing that feeling of connection, even when we're doing harm to ourselves by not establishing a healthier boundary.

‍

So if you notice that you're pleasing others or working overtime to make sure no one else is disappointed, maybe you're avoiding conflict out of worry or fear. You've got to extend compassion to your fear. Of course, I don't want to hurt anybody. Of course, I don't want to let anybody down. Of course, I wish I could make everybody happy. 

‍

And also, I'm not God. I am not omniscient. I am not all powerful. I have human limitations and I have to operate from within those human limitations and that's normal and it's okay to operate within my own limitations.

‍

If other people don't like that, it's not my responsibility. I have to release that. I have to release them over to God, even as I claim the limits of my God given capacity and you gently work with your fear to soothe your fear. It's okay. Yes, it is scary. 

‍

I don't want anyone to be disappointed. And also, it's okay. I am beloved by God. I am going to be okay. And you walk yourself through that experience of fear. Fear, when integrated into your internal family, becomes such a beautiful channel of humility. Or better yet, what I like to call brave humility, where you humbly acknowledge your own human limitations and you do the best that you can and you release what is not your responsibility.

‍

Anger, sadness, and fear become your allies on this journey toward wholeness. Anger helps you speak up for yourself and establish those healthy boundaries. Sadness reminds you to care for yourself and connect with others authentically so that you can be surprised. It's the joy that comes through the power of authentic connection and fear can help you stay kind and humble even as you release expectations of yourself that you were never meant to meet.

‍

These emotions, when befriended and invited into your internal family, help you create a wise tapestry of your life that involves caring for others, even as you honor yourself; that involves setting healthy boundaries, even as you sometimes make sacrifices; hat involve honoring the good things in your life, even as you also honor what's hard.

‍

***Exercise***

‍

I want to close this episode today as well as this entire series by giving you some powerful questions you can ask yourself under each of these five steps. When you encounter a big emotion, you can engage these questions in real time right now as you're listening by hitting pause. on the podcast and journaling about the questions or just quietly noticing inside your soul how you would respond to the different questions.

‍

You can also go to my website www.dralisoncook.com/podcast and find the full transcription for this episode in the episode show notes. And you can use the written version of these questions to help guide you in your journaling. This is a tool for you to use whenever you're noticing a big emotion. So here are the questions.

‍

The first step, Focus. 

‍

\Where do you sense the emotion physically? 

‍

Is there a thought or image that comes to mind when you focus on it? 

‍

What situation evoked the emotion? What's an early memory of when you've experienced this emotion in the past? 

‍

Step number two, Befriend. 

‍

How do you feel toward this emotion?

‍

If you notice any other emotion like criticism, shame, or frustration, ask that other emotion to step back and see if you can engage this original emotion from a place of compassion or curiosity. 

‍

Can you befriend this emotion and welcome it? 

‍

Number three, the step of Invite. 

What happens when you invite God into your experience of this emotion?

‍

What fears do you have about inviting God to come closer? 

‍

Is there anything you sense God has for you in your experience of this emotion? 

‍

Number four, the step of Unburden. 

‍

What burden does this emotion carry? 

‍

Are there any messages that go hand in hand with your experience of this emotion? There might be messages from the past about your worth. About not being good enough, about being rejectable, unlovable, invisible. Notice those heavy weights and see if this part of you would be open to reframing or releasing those messages. 

‍

What is a new message you want to tell yourself as it relates to this emotion? 

‍

Finally, Step five, Integrate. 

‍

How is this emotion trying to help?

‍

What needs is this emotion trying to alert you to in your real life? 

‍

How can you work with this emotion to identify a change that you can make? A way to assert yourself, care for yourself, or set a healthy boundary. 

‍

And as we close, thank God for your experience of these emotions. They're trying to help you become a fuller, more beautiful version of your God made self.

‍

***

‍

Thank you for joining me for this week's episode of The Best of You. It would mean so much if you'd take a moment to subscribe. You can go to Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to podcasts and click the plus or follow button. That will ensure you don't miss an episode and it helps get the word out to others.

‍

While you're there, I'd love it if you leave your five star review. I look forward to seeing you back here next Thursday. And remember, as you become the best. of who you are. You honor God, you heal others and you stay true to your God given self.

‍

Listen anywhere you get podcasts!

Apple
Spotify
amazon music
YouTube